Feeling Sad Today

I walked back from dropping my son off at daycare this morning holding back tears.  I feel like I’m going to cry right now.

Nothing is wrong. In fact, like I wrote in my last post, things are great.  He’s enjoying daycare, I get plenty of much needed time to myself (I even napped this morning), I’m really enjoying being able to give my sweet baby girl my undivided attention, and the weather here has been beautiful.

But obviously something is wrong.

I miss him.

This has been a hard transition for me.  I knew it would be difficult.  I’ve had him home with me for the last seven months and, even though we’ve had many hard days, I’ve really enjoyed this time.  I’ve seen him grow up so much in these past few months and I am so grateful that I got to be there for it all – the good and the not so good.

I feel like I’m losing my baby.  Ok, now I’m crying. He’s looking more and more like a little boy.  He’s talking and saying things he’s picking up at preschool – like “ya bud” and “sure dude”.

Yesterday he had a tough time napping there.  He kept waking up crying.  When I asked him about it at dinner he was able to tell me what happened – in toddler talk.  He said Kelly said ‘shhh shhh’ and that he woke up his friends but his one friend made him happy.  And I asked him why he was crying and he said he missed mom and daddy.

All the sad face emojis.

But you know, as off as I feel right now I’m also so incredibly grateful.  Grateful to have two beautiful, healthy children.  Grateful for a husband who loves his family.  Grateful for one year maternity leave and enough money to be able to put our son in daycare because at the end of the day, it’s best for all of us.

But maybe I’ll keep him home with me tomorrow.


We are All Enjoying Daycare

Today is day 2 of full day daycare for our son.  He is loving it.  It just warms my heart to be able to write that.  I drop him off at 9. When we get there he sits in his cubby, we change his shoes and then say good morning to the fish – they have two aquariums.  He then runs right into his classroom to see his friends (saying “hi friends!” – how adorable is that?!).  He barely says bye to me and when we pick him up at 3:30 he’s not keen to leave.

One of the days that I picked him up he was dressed as a fireman.  I really would love to share a photo with you guys but I want to keep this blog as anonymous as possible.

We have had a number of meltdowns in the evening though, but we expected that.  Apparently kids are on their best behaviour when not with mom and dad and then when they are home they feel free to express their emotions.  And there are so many emotions.  Hopefully this will not go on for too long because it sucks to miss him all day and then get the not so happy version of him when we do get time with him.

Yesterday was my first day on my own with my sweet baby girl (my husband was home last week) and it was honestly a bit of a blur because she was up every 2 hours the night before.  She was pretty clingy but overall adorable.  She also napped really well, I think not having her brother around helps.

Last night was much better – up at 2 and then 5:45.  Unfortunately she was up for the day at that time.  But I got about 6 hours sleep, so I’m ok.

I would never have said that prior to having babies.  I used to be like a 9 or 10 hour of sleep a night kind of person.

Today is going well so far.  She went down for her nap with no fuss at 9:15 and now I”m just relaxing, drinking coffee and watching youtube videos.

I plan on doing some cleaning, getting outside for a walk (it’s a beautiful day), and enjoying my sweet baby girl.  I feel like I”m on vacation!!

While the Baby Naps

Last night was rough.  My seven month old is not only teething – she now has two little buds on the bottom – but she has caught her brothers cold who caught it from daycare.  Yup, five days into daycare and he has a cold.  So yeah, she was up a lot.  As in every two hours.

I’m a little tired today.

But now that her brother is in daycare, I can actually rest while she naps.  Ideally I would sleep, but that doesn’t always happen.

Like she’s napping now.  I put her down at 9:30 and I went right to bed.  I waited for sleep to find me for 45 minutes after which I gave up, went downstairs and made a coffee.

And here I am now, writing this and drinking a coffee when I really would much rather be sleeping.

And she’s awake.  So at least I got to rest.  Perhaps sleep will come this afternoon.


He Can’t Do Anything Right

My husband took this week off from work and he’s kind of driving me crazy.

It’s little things.  Yesterday I came down after putting the baby down for a nap and every. single. cupboard door was open. Why?! Is it so hard to shut the door when you’re done? And once again there was a spoon on the counter with peanut butter on it.  I put the baby down for her nap this morning and as I am laying her down I can hear him slamming the bathroom door downstairs.  I don’t know why he feels the need to slam it.  In fact, he’s a bit of a bear.  Everything he does is so loud.

And it’s the bigger things.  This morning my son was having a meltdown while I was feeding the baby and my husband was downstairs on his computer.  I went to comfort my son and the baby started crying.  I know my husband could hear all this but he didn’t come up to help.  I ended up yelling “can you come help me” which I hate doing. I hate asking and I hate the way I ask.  So he comes up and says, what do you want me to do? So I say, can you feed the baby. So he stands above her, doesn’t even sit down, tries to give her one spoonful and says ‘she doesn’t want to eat’.  She starts crying and he WALKS AWAY.  OK, if she doesn’t want to eat, that’s fine, then PICK HER UP.

I’m cranky now and feeling like my poor husband can’t do anything right.  And this is just not true.  He does a lot of things right.

Like the little things.  He brought home starbucks for me yesterday after he went to the gym.  He folded the laundry I had sitting in the dryer.  He made a super yummy dinner yesterday and insisted on doing the clean up.  He reads ‘many’ stories to our son at bedtime.

And it’s the big things. After walking away from the baby he went to comfort our son.  He sat with him on the couch and talked to him about the lawnmowers outside.  As soon as he walks in the door after work he gets down on the floor and plays with our son and gives our daughter kisses. He encourages me to take time to myself and go out with friends.

I’m sure there are things that I’ve been doing that drive him crazy too.  And I know for sure he feels like he can’t do anything right.  We went shopping for clothes for the kids and I criticized a lot of stuff that he picked out.  Why? Why do I do this? That’s one little thing that I can definitely work on.

But honestly, my biggest issue is how he is with our daughter.  But that’s a post for another day.

Two and Through?

My husband wants to get a vasectomy.  He’s actually wanted to get one since the day we found out I was pregnant with our second baby.  I was like, slow down buddy.

Needless to say, he’s done with having babies.

I think I am.

I’m pretty sure I am.

But when my husband told me that he wanted to make his appointment for the snip snip I felt a little funny.  A little something that confused me.

I felt sad.

When I think about having more babies I do think, rationally, that we’re done.  I’m so happy with our family.  I feel like we are complete.  I also don’t want to be pregnant again.  I’m going to be 36 this year and, not that women can’t have babies closer to 40, but oh man I am tired.  And my body is kind of falling apart.  I hurt somewhere every day – my hips, my shoulders, my neck – and I just don’t know if my body can handle another pregnancy.  I also don’t want to be pregnant with two other littles around.  That shit is exhausting.  And then there’s the whole birth thing – been there, done that.  Not to mention all the challenges that come with the baby stage.

And then there’s the emotional side of me that cries at the thought of no more babies.  My baby girl is 7 months and the time is just flying.  She is just the happiest, sweetest little thing and now that her sleep in getting in check (thank you sleep training) life is starting to feel a whole lot easier.

Honestly if we could be guaranteed another baby like her (plus an easy pregnancy and another zen birth like I had with my son) I would be more inclined to argue more! more! babies!

You just never know what you’re going to get.

Some people say the more babies you have the easier it is and I can see that.  I mean, we’ve been through it all before and the confidence is definitely there now.  But let’s be real, the more babies you have, the more complicated life gets too.

My husband and I like to keep things simple.  We like simple routines.  We’re kind of home bodies.  We don’t like a lot of stuff.  We like quiet time.  Alone time.  Time together would be nice too.

But one more wouldn’t complicate things too much, right?  My son is now in daycare and will start kindergarden soon.  My daughter will be in daycare at 16 months – if we were to do it again I would for sure keep her in because having my son home with me with the baby was no walk in the park.

Gah no!!  No more babies.  My head kind of spins at the thought of it.

But imagine all that added love in the house.

There would be so much love.  And kisses.  And hugs.  And smiles.  And little toes to tickle.

…and diapers. And crying.  And spit up.  And cracked nipples.  And sleepless nights. And worry.  And laundry. And tantrums. And food on the floor that mom has to clean up.

So yeah, I’m on the ‘no more babies’ team, but I think I need a bit of time to come to terms with it.


First Day at Daycare

Oh boy. I feel like a lot is going on over here right now. Not only are we coming off of our first few nights (and naps apparently) of sleep training our 7 month old – which is super crazy stressful – but my son started his transition to daycare today.

Have to say I’m feeling good about both of these things.  Night is going really well – she cried for 3 minutes last night guys 3 MINUTES! so I decided to just bite the bullet and start sleep training for naps, which is proving to be a bit trickier, but I expected that. My sister was over this morning to watch her while I look the boy to daycare and she was actually able to get her down for a nap with less than 5 minutes of crying.  When I walked in the door I could hear her crying a little and my poor sister was in tears too.  She’s like, this is so hard!! lol YA I KNOW.  She only slept for 30 minutes, but I’m just happy that other people can put her down.  Kind of a big deal.

As for the daycare….so today was day one of the three day transition in and it was great. Today was only from 9:30-11 and I stayed the whole time.  When we got there 4 of the 9 kids were crying so that was kind of shitty.  I had a bad feeling in my stomach, but it’s an emotional thing anyways.  They said that a lot of the kids are new in that class (moved up from the younger group) and that many of the kids are coming off of a 4 day weekend so it was a tough transition day for a lot of them.  So I get that.  Still, not the best thing to see first thing.

They spent only about 15 minutes inside and the rest of the time was spent playing outside in their amazing yard.  My son was super cool.  He was just exploring and playing with the kids.

I thought for sure he’d nap but he’s up in his room jumping on his bed, so yeah, not sure a nap is in the cards yet again.  It’s been over a week since he’s napped so I think he may be done with it.  It’ll be interesting to see if he naps at daycare.  He’s tired that’s for sure.

But yeah, busy but good day so far.

Sleep Training – Day 2

So first off, last night she slept for 9 hours straight which was pretty awesome. Wish I could say I slept as well.  I went to bed feeling very stressed out and I woke every 2 hours.  And then my son was making crazy noises in his room from 4-5.  Then of course just when he fell asleep she woke up. I couldn’t get her back down so I brought her into bed with me and we both slept in till 8.  It was pretty great.

Then she napped from 11 – 12:20 but man did she ever fight that nap.  Took me about 45 minutes to get her down.  And then I couldn’t get her down for an afternoon nap.

Tonight went well.  At 6:00 she was exhausted so I gave her a bath after a very messy avocado and banana dinner and then nursed her in my bed.  We then went into her room for pjs, sleep sack, book, song then bed.  She was very confused – rightly so.  She kept trying to get her body into the nursing position and she was bobbing her head against my chest.  To her nursing = sleep and she was ready to sleep.

I lay her down at around 6:45 wide awake and she cried and cried.  I then went into my sons room where my husband was reading him bedtime stories and cuddled in there for 10 minutes.  I went back in and picked her up (not really supposed to do that but whatever) and bounced her for a little bit.  I put her back down and she again cried and I set my timer for 13 minutes.  I spent that time nervously cleaning the kitchen.  And I poured myself a big glass of wine.  At the 13 minute mark I went to go back in and she was just kind of whimpering (so sad, I know) so I waited outside her door.  When she started up again I went in and again picked her up and bounced her a little.  When I laid her back down this time she didn’t stir so I thought maybe I had bounced her to sleep (oops) but low and behold she started crying again.  This time for maybe 2 minutes and then she was out.

So day two was a total of 25 minutes of crying.  Not so bad really.

I’m going to have to figure out something for her naps.  I think once we sort out this night sleep I’m going to have to tackle her naps.  She just won’t let me lay her down once she’s asleep!