Random Thoughts That Popped Into My Head While Hiding from my Kids


  • Is it OK to sift through a carton of strawberries at the grocery store and replace bad ones with good ones from another carton?
  • What is a ‘normal’ post baby sex life?  My friend told me yesterday that she hasn’t had sex with her husband in a year.  My husband sees it as a big issue in our relationship if we go more than a few weeks.
  • Is tv really so bad for kids? I’ve read the opinions (both professional and not) and I would really like to shed the guilt I feel on this one.
  • Why do all kids like goldfish crackers?
  • Maybe I should hire a maid.
  • My kids need to stop throwing their food on the floor.
  • I can’t wait till Friday.
  • Why does my dishwasher have to be so loud?
  • I’m so glad I have a dishwasher.
  • I need to pay our visa bill.
  • And do our taxes.
  • And make a list of all the things that need to get fixed round the house.
  • My kids are so cute.
  • I should go throw in a load of laundry.
  • And sweep the floor.
  • And look into hiring a maid.

Taking a Night Off

I am going to spend the night in a fancy hotel – all. by. myself. – next Friday.  I was apprehensive at first but once I let the idea sink in, I gotta tell you, I am pretty stoked.

And you know what I’m going to do? Sleep.  Sleep like no ones business.  Maybe even for more than 5 consecutive hours!!! I’m giddy with excitement over this.

Besides the whole laying unconscious for hours part, I’m also going to really enjoy:

  • Freeeeeeeedom.  That’s #1 for sure.  I can do whatever I want. I can go work out in the hotel gym (ha), I can swim in the pool, I can get an in room massage, order room service, or go out to dinner.  I can do whatever I want.
  • Sleeping in.  Even if I can’t it will be so nice to wake up on my own.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I woke to silence.
  • Silence.  Beautiful, calming silence for hours.

I’m a bit nervous because I’ve always been the one to put my daughter to bed at night.  And when she wakes in the night (as she does) I am the one to go to her. And I nurse her.

My husband has also never done the kids bedtime all on his own, or got up with the both of them in the morning. He also does not have the ability to nurse her back to sleep when she wakes.

SO…as much as I’m a little nervous for  how it will go (for both him and them) I also feel it’s about time.  He’ll be fine.  They will be fine. And I will be AMAZING.



Gratitude Post

It’s 8:20am.  I am sitting in a chair in my bedroom watching my 13 month old crawl up and down the hallway waiting for her big brother to wake up.  Out my window the trees are once again covered in snow.  Music plays from the radio downstairs.  My daughter is now at my legs, trying to see what I’m doing.  She’s laughing at the glowing Mac apple symbol on my computer.

Going to have to make this quick.  She’s demanding my attention.

Today, in this moment, I am grateful for:

  1. This girl.  Always.  I am so lucky that I get to be her mom.  That I get to know her and love her her whole life.  We already have such a special bond and she brings me so much joy.
  2. CBC morning radio.  Weird, I know, but it’s really good! I love the music they play and there are no commercials. It’s a really nice way to start the day.
  3. Speaking of which – coffee.  So grateful for coffee.
  4. A warm home.  It’s really cold out and we are so comfortable in our home right now.
  5. t65My husband working from home the next few days.  Will be nice to check in and see him throughout the day.

Hoping for Hope

I can’t stop thinking about that house.  As I’m drifting off to sleep it will pop into my head and I’ll start imagining the kids running around the main room.  I think about that kitchen.  I can see the kids playing in the basement which means a relatively toy free main living space.

We had been talking about buying our family home for a long time now – maybe two years.  We’ve gone and looked at a few and nothing has come as close to perfect as this one.

It’s been a while since I’ve wanted something so badly.

I could see our family there. I could see us happy there.  Maybe not right away, afterall we still have our issues to work on, but eventually we would be happy.

My husband doesn’t see that future.

And that’s why not getting this house hurts.

It’s not about the kitchen.  Or the backyard. Or even the beautiful winding staircase.

It’s about our marriage.  It’s about a dream that I have that my husband doesn’t share with me.  It’s about the hope that I have that my husband doesn’t.  It’s about the faith in our marriage that we will get through this difficult phase that he doesn’t have.

It’s not that he doesn’t want us to work out. He does.  We’re going to marriage counselling because we both want our marriage to work.

He’s just afraid.

He’s afraid that we are (he is) doomed to live unhappily ever after.  He’s afraid that our relationship will always feel like hard work.  He’s afraid of wasting his life in a place that makes him miserable.

Fair enough, right? I mean, I want him to be happy.  I don’t want to spend my life with someone who is not.  And he’s not.  How much of that is our marriage? The kids? Him? I don’t know.

The whole thing just makes me so sad.

Our First Marriage Counselling Session

Well, we’re doing it. We’re going to counselling.

Last night my husbands mom came over to ‘watch’ the kids (they were sleeping) and we went to our first counselling session.  We were both a bit nervous.   Having never been to counselling, neither of us knew what to expect.

We found the place easily and waited for about 10 minutes in a small, hot but cozy waiting room.  When she came out we introduced ourselves and headed into her office. We began by filling out a form with some basic info and she told us about her daughter who gave birth the week prior and that the baby was in the NICU for a week.  I’m glad she shared this with us as it was obviously something on her mind and obviously affecting her.

And then we got into it.

She started with some  basic questions.  She asked about our kids. About our jobs. About our families and upbringing.

My husbands family and upbringing is a lot more complicated than mine, so there was a lot of discussion around that.  Nothing that he shared was new to me, but I know it’s not easy for him to talk about, especially with a stranger.

The time went  by really fast.  I talked a lot about how I felt he  had no faith in us anymore. That I feel that he could be just done putting in the work at any point. He said he was scared of spending his life trying to make something that makes us both unhappy work.

She shared with us some stats about marriages that are  in the same phase as ours (two young kids) and that it will be work.  And that marriage will always be work.

And that’s why we’re there.  To put in the work.

And I know that it will take a lot of work at first.  I”m interested to see what future sessions will look like.  I’m especially interested in getting my husband back.

The Perfect Home for a Perfect Family

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I found it.  Our dream home.  It’s in the right neighbourhood, the right size, the right price.  That’s a screenshot from the listing – I am so in love with it.  It’s perfect.

The only problem is we are not currently the perfect family for this perfect home and my husband is quick to remind me of this.

My husband first talked of separating last summer. I was shocked.  I knew things weren’t good – I”m not an idiot – but I didn’t think they were that bad.  My mind never went there.  It was just never a possibility for  me.  I just always figured things would get better for us once the kids were more independent (they are now 1 and 3).  That this rough patch (ok, very long rough patch) would eventually smooth itself out.

We’ve decided to start counselling because no matter how much we talk,  no matter how much we try, our efforts are just not working.  He thinks I don’t love him and I don’t know what else I can do to prove to him that I do (yes, we’ve read the 5 love languages).  So we’re hoping that a third party can help us  break this cycle and figure out a way to make it work.

I want this home but my husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea to  buy a new home when we ‘don’t know where we’ll be’.

I feel like he has one foot out the door and some days I think, if you’re really so unhappy (and he is he mopes around the house staring off into space 90% of the time) then go be happy.  Do what makes  you happy.  If you think leaving, if you think us not being together is the answer, then do it.

But I still want this home. With our without him.

It’s the home I imagined our kids growing up in.

I imagine making breakfast while they play in the playroom next to kitchen.  I imagine bringing laundry down the winding staircase and into the main floor laundry room.  I  imagine making dinner while watching them play in the backyard  – or better yet – sitting out in the backyard with a glass of wine watching them run around while my husband makes dinner.  I imagine reading books  – cuddled up in front of the fireplace in the winter, out on the front porch in the summer.

Most importantly, I really can imagine  us together as husband and wife  in this home. I can imagine us entertaining in the open concept kitchen. I can imagine kissing him while sitting on the island that separates the kitchen from the dining room.  I can imagine him coming home from work to me working from home on my computer and the two of us enjoying a quiet moment together before we pick the kids up from daycare.

I can imagine our family there.  I can imagine the love and laughter that would fill that home.

Maybe I can only imagine.



Haven’t Exactly Enjoyed Breastfeeding this Time Around

I think I’d like to stop breastfeeding my 13 month old soon.  I nursed my son until he was 16 months and we stopped very gradually and naturally – we were at  twice a day at 12  months, then once a day from 14 months and then one night I wasn’t there to nurse him before bed and that was it.

Right now I nurse my daughter 4 or 5 times in a 24 hour period.  And I can’t say I enjoy it.

I’m having a very different breastfeeding experience second time around.  I feel very physically uncomfortable when I nurse her for longer than 10 minutes and I always have.  I start to feel very constricted and my breathing gets shallow.  I sometimes get this feeling like my skin is crawling, it’s physically very uncomfortable and I’ve had moments where it’s made me feel anxious and even angry.  And then as soon as I unlatch her the feeling goes away.

I looked into it early on when I started noticing these feelings as they were nothing like I had experienced with my son. Turns out this is actually a thing called breastfeeding/nursing aversion and agitation (BAA).  I felt better knowing I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t alone.

If you click on the link you’ll see they offer a few different theories as to why this occurs. I think my aversion is linked to sleep deprivation and having very little time to myself.

It’s not just the BAA that makes me want to stop  (it’s actually  not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago), it’s how she nurses. As she nurses she is hell bent on sticking her other hand down my shirt and pinching my nipple.  This is a pretty new thing and it’s so fucking annoying.  I now have to nurse her with one hand firmly over my other breast.  She still tries with all her might to get her hand in there.

I’m going to think about it a bit more before making any changes.  I like that it happened gradually and naturally with my son but I have a feeling I’m going to have to be more proactive with this one.