I’m exhausted. My nine month old has been up so much in the night, our renos are still going on, baby girl can’t nap because of the noise, and I can’t relax because, well, renos.
I’m also pushing down some saddness and anger and am going to talk about that here. Because well, that’s the whole point of this little blog of mine. I’d love to share more of the happy feels and thoughts – and there are so many and I honestly am a positive and grateful person in ‘real life’ – but I need to get out the not so great stuff.
Let me begin by saying, I hate weekends. Our 2.5 year old doesn’t nap and he gets a bit manic around 2pm every Saturday and Sunday. We’ve tried laying down with him, setting up a ‘quiet time’ area in the house, tuckering him out in the morning – he just is not having it. Naps great at daycare. Super annoying.
All that to say he’s a handful.
And his dad seems to trigger his tantrums. We were having a great time – we as in me and the kids – and then my husband comes into the living room and my son wants to play with him. My husband is tired and irritable and doesn’t want to play. Son reacts badly to this. Tantrums ensue.
Repeat every fucking weekend.
So really, the problem in my mind isn’t our son, it’s my husband. He’s burnt out and needs a break, I know. I get it. So I tell him, take a break. Do what you need to do. We’ll be fine – maybe even better off – if you just go away for the weekend.
Last weekend was especially upsetting.
After my daughter woke up from her morning nap we all headed out to a pumpkin patch. I got the kids dressed, I made a picnic lunch, I got everything we needed together all while my husband sat downstairs on his computer. I by the way am running off about 3 hours sleep because I was up all night with the baby. My husband stayed up till midnight then went to sleep in the basement with the fan on to block out any noise and woke up at 8 am.
We drive the 20 minutes to the pumpkin patch and as soon as we get there his mood shifts. He’s snapping at me. Putting his head in his hands. Not interacting with the kids. So I say, ‘what’s going on, are you ok?’ and he says ‘I’m fine’. And I say ‘you’re obviously not fine, this is supposed to be fun, the kids are happy, it’s a beautiful day’. And he says ‘this isn’t fun for me’.
I almost started crying.
I want to cry right now.
So we left. I spent the rest of the weekend with the kids while my husband moped around the house.
I want to be a more compassionate wife. I want to be there for him and give him what he needs. I do. But there’s a lot that I need too. I need him to be part of this family. I need him to be grateful for our life that we built together because it’s pretty great. I need him to stop getting up at 4am on weekdays to go to the gym so that he has energy at the end of the day to be with his kids. I want a partner who is happy. Who can see that this season of our lives is more than just work. They are so little right now and so amazing and he’s missing it. He’s fucking missing it.
And I miss him. These days I only see glimpses of the man I married – the sexy, crazy smart, loyal, funny man.
I’m left with a warn out, cranky husband who complains all the time.
It just makes me so sad.