Sick Sick Sick

Oh my god you guys I’m sick again.

First the stomach bug that destroyed our whole family.  Then an annoying cold which left me sneezing on everything.  And now I have some crazy throat and sinus thing.

Can I get a break please!?  Please.

Obviously my immune system is shot.  Taking care of my baby while I was sick took a lot out of me.  Not only was I unable to hold food down and not sleeping well, but I was so worried about him.  Terrible combination for your immune system.

And I still keep thinking I might be pregnant.  I’m due to have my period any day now, so we’ll see.

If I am let me tell you this little one is quite resilient!

Please send me some healing vibes!  I need them!!


Am I Pregnant?

I remember a few years ago my sister called me to tell me she thought something was seriously wrong with her.  Like she had pneumonia or something.

Turned out she was just pregnant.

I woke up feeling really off this morning.  Pneumonia-like (minus the crazy cough). A little dizzy and extremely tired.  It made me think that I might be pregnant.  I’m not due to have my period for another 5 ish days so I think I’ll just wait to see – I’d hate to waste a pregnancy test for nothing (those things are expensive!).

When I was pregnant with my son the only symptom I remember at the very beginning was sore breasts.  Wince at the touch kind of sore.

I don’t have that now (thank god because I’m still nursing!), but I could be pregnant.  We are trying after all. It would be pretty great if it happened this quick.  Though I’m not looking forward to the fatigue.  I was crazy tired the first two months.  And then the nausea.  But if I learned anything from my first pregnancy it’s this: eating protein takes the nausea away.  I ate a lot of eggs in my first trimester.

I think we’ll have a girl next.  I had a feeling our son would be a boy, so hey, I’m one for one on that count.  I’d be happy with either.

I once thought I wanted four boys.  Not sure what I was thinking.  Pretty sure two will be it for us!


That Time I Miscarried

I got pregnant, years ago.  I had finished my grad program and was just starting at my current place of employment.  We weren’t married, though we’d been together for about 5 years at that point.  We were living together and about to go on a vacation down south.  I thought I might be so on my way home from work one day I picked up a pregnancy test and a bottle of wine.

I didn’t end up opening that bottle of wine.

When that test came back positive I cried.  It was not the right time.  This was not how we had planned it.  We were not financially ready.  We weren’t even married (not that I care about that, but it just wasn’t part of the plan).

We weren’t even sure if ever wanted children.

I’ve never felt particularly maternal.  I didn’t play with dolls or play imaginary house where I was the mom.  I do remember playing house where I was the one leaving to go to work.  I must have been seven.  Funny to remember that.

My husband was the same.  He had a bit of a rough childhood where money troubles and family stress were put on him at an early age.

We both love to travel.  We love our freedom.  We love spending quiet time together, and more importantly, quiet time spent alone.  We knew what we would be giving up by having kids.

We talked and talked.  We decided we’d still go down south, sure it would be fine.  My head was spinning and it didn’t feel real.  Four days later we were on a plane and I was coming to terms with it.  It sucked that I wouldn’t be able to drink while on vacation, but once I wrapped my head around it, I was OK with that.  I wanted to do it right.  No drinks.  No more smoking.  Only healthy food.

The first few days of our vacation we talked about our future.  We got excited about the idea of a baby.  About him being a dad.  Me being a mom.  It’s amazing how quickly that can happen.

We were doing this.

We were going to have a baby.

And then the bleeding started.  I remember sitting in the bathroom at our resort crying.  I didn’t feel relieved as I thought I might have.  I felt sad.  He was relieved (I can’t blame him) and didn’t understand why I felt the way I felt.

I couldn’t even understand it.

The thing is, if I hadn’t known, if I hadn’t taken that test and just waited I might not have even known I was pregnant.  But then I wouldn’t have known just how much I wanted to have a baby.

When the time was right.

When we got back I had this dream that we were laying in bed and we are woken up by our two kids – Marcus and Hanna – running into our room and jumping into bed with us.  In the dream they were beautiful and happy and we were so happy.  It was one of those dreams that feel so real and you wake feeling what you felt in the dream.

I felt happy and full and light.

So when the time was right, once we were married, financially ready and all that, I couldn’t help but think back to that day, to that dream.  To how much I wanted it.  To that feeling of possibility.

That wasn’t what made us decide to go ahead and try to have a baby.  I think it was more that we wanted to share in the experience of raising a person together.  We wanted to feel that love.  We were curious of what our potential kids would look like, who they’d take after.

And we figured, if we’re going to do it, we should do it soon.

Two months after we decided to go ahead and try I was pregnant and this time there were only tears of joy.

And although it’s been hard, it’s also been the most amazing thing.  Being a mother is the most amazing thing and it’s changed me in ways I never even imaged.  But more about that another day.

And no, we didn’t name our son Marcus 😉


What If I Can’t Get Pregnant

A little thought has been popping into my head lately: what if I can’t get pregnant.

Just because it happened quickly with the first, doesn’t mean we’ll be so lucky with the second.

I haven’t really allowed myself to dwell on this thought too much because it’s not exactly something I can control.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, well, it doesn’t.

And by doesn’t I mean, we don’t have a second.

When we were trying for our first my husband and I decided that if we couldn’t for whatever reason, conceive a baby, we would not go the IVF route.

The same goes for the second time around.

I would be very sad though if we couldn’t have a second.  I’ve already started to get excited about the idea of growing our family.  I’m excited to be pregnant again (well, for the most part!).  And a scared as I am that my anxiety will come back with a vengeance, I’m excited to experience that overwhelming bursting at the seams love that comes with caring for your newborn.

But I know that if it wasn’t meant to be, I would eventually come to terms with it.  Our little family is pretty amazing right now and that won’t change.

A Second Baby

This is my first post.

I am 35 years old.

I have a baby boy, he’s 14 months old.

I had a wonderful pregnancy, and amazing birth and a really hard time adjusting to motherhood.

I’m pretty sure I had post-partum depression.  And anxiety.

I’m pretty sure I still have it.

My husband and I were back and forth about having another baby.  He was more on the no, I am never doing this again side.  I agreed with all of his reasons. Because I remember all of it. Not just in my minds eye, but every cell in my body remembers it and when I think back to those hard times I feel the anxiety creeping up the back of my neck.  It was really fucking hard.  The hardest thing I’ve ever done.  And neither one of us wanted to go through that again.

Three weeks ago we decided to have another baby.

And I’m excited.  So excited.  I want another baby.  My son is so amazing and my husband and I are good again and there will be so much more love in our home.  I’m excited to be pregnant again.  To feel that love, that connectedness that comes from growing a little person inside of me.  I smile just thinking of it. I’m excited to hold a new baby and feel so overwhelmed with love that I just burst.  I’m excited to see my son become a big brother and my husband become a father all over again (with more confidence this time).

I’m also so fucking scared I want to cry.

And I’m not even pregnant yet.