The big boy bed

Yesterday we decided it was time to get our son, who is 2.5, out of his crib and onto a mattress on the floor. Unlike other toddlers he wasn’t climbing out. He was breaking the crib from all his jumping.

So we moved everything out of his room, and I mean everything – dresser, bookshelf, rocking chair, I even took some pictures off the wall – and we moved our spare queen mattress and box spring into the room. Our plan was to get him a twin bed but we wanted to get him out of his crib sooner rather than later.

I was super nervous. But he did really well last night. My husband does his nighttime routine and that went well. We then heard him a little bit at the start of the night and then he was up at seven this morning.

Mind you he’s been very tired and temperamental all morning so we knows how much he actually slept.

I was nervous to put him down for his nap because he’s been fighting it so much lately but it was actually really sweet. He’s not asleep, I can hear him up there now but he’s not bouncing off the walls so that’s something.

I feel super emotional about this whole thing. My baby isn’t a baby anymore!

Anxiety, Moving to a Toddler Bed and Daycare

It’s 6:45 pm and I’m sitting on my couch eating goldfish crackers and drinking wine.  The crackers because we have no food in the house and the wine because it’s been one of those days.  Weeks really.

I felt very anxious today. I haven’t been sleeping because my sweet baby girl has not been sleeping (sleep regression? teething? who knows..) and I know that right there is the root of my anxiety.  I can only do so many nights of really really bad sleep before I start to crack.  I could feel the cracks forming this week and today they got bigger than me.

I was laying in bed with my daughter trying to extend her nap and I could see on the monitor that my son was up jumping, jumping, jumping in his crib.  I had put him down for his nap 30 minutes prior and he was exhausted.  And yet there he was jumping and yelling.  The red bars on the monitor were making me so angry.  And somehow that anger turned into anxiety.

I needed a break today.

So yeah, my son jumps in his crib.  A lot. It’s kind of what he does before he sleeps, which is totally crazy.  And then yesterday when I was changing his sheets I noticed that a piece of the metal grid thing, you know that thing that’s under the mattress, well I noticed that a small part of it is broken.  Not surprising.  I’m actually surprised he hasn’t broken the whole crib yet.  Which I feel could happen really at any point.  He’s not  baby anymore – he’s 2 years and 4 months old – and he really gives his all when he jumps.

So my husband and I have decided that it might be a good time to move him to a toddler bed.  More specifically – a mattress on the floor because I know he’ll try to jump and I don’t want him to hurt himself.

To say I’m nervous about this transition is an understatement.

Our plan is to talk to him about it for a bit before we do it.  We’re going to take him shopping for his bed and let him pick out a new comforter.  We’re then going to move everything out of his room except for a beanbag chair, some books and some stuffed animals – basically anything he can possibly climb or run into and hurt himself on is going.

I’m worried this move will mean the end of naps.  I need him to nap.  But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there I guess.

I also want to move him to a new bed soon because he’ll be experiencing a big change in a few months.  We found a really really great daycare/preschool that he’s going to go to in September.  When we did a tour a few weeks ago my husband and I both got a bit emotional about it.  It’s kind of perfect.

As amazing as it is, I still have mixed feelings about it.  I know it’ll be great for him in a lot of ways, but as hard as some days are, I’m really happy having him home.  He’s so amazing.  He’s talking more and more every day and man that kid is funny.  He’s also sweet and fun and I just love that I get to spend so much time with him.

The downside of having him home is that he demands a lot of my attention and I don’t always get a lot of quality time with my sweet baby girl – which is what I was worried about from the start.  She is such a sweet thing and she adores her big brother.  She is extremely social – she can be super fussy but as soon as I start talking and playing with her she perks right up.

But the biggest issue with having him home, and this comes back to my anxiety, is that I am feeling extremely stretched thin.  I need time to myself during the day and right now that’s just not happening.

 

Houses and Homes

Both babies are napping and I really should be napping too, but sometimes I need this time to think, have a tea and just relax.  Even though I’m exhausted.  Baby girl was up every two hours last night (!) and therefor, so was I.  Plus, my son is no longer in daycare, so I can’t just lay around with her.

But yes, all that to say, I’m tired but need me time more than I need sleep right now.

I wrote a while back that I was needing to think about three things: my marriage, our home, and my job.  Today I am thinking about our home.

I want to move.

I’ve been wanting to move for some time now.  We bought this home 6 years ago thinking we’d only stay 5.  It’s a townhome and it was great for the two of us.  But now that we are a family of 4, it’s just not doing it for me.  Plus, our new neighbours are so noisy and we just so happened to get bugs shortly after they  moved in.  By bugs I mean, cockroaches.  I hate to even write that word because it’s so fucking nasty.  I hate them so much.  Not only are they nasty but they scare the shit out of me.  Too many times I have opened a cupboard  to find one in there.  We bought some industrial stuff and that seemed to work for a bit, but they just keep coming back.  Which isn’t surprising.  If we have them, our neighbours have them.

So yeah, I’m so done living in a townhome.  I want a standalone house with more space, more windows, a backyard, and a big bright kitchen.

I want to be in our family home.

So we’ve been looking and although there are some that have come close, we haven’t found the perfect home yet.

We also have some work to do in our current place.  Like renovate all the bathrooms and do something about the bugs.  Both of these things are currently in motion – we’ve contacted contractors and an exterminator.  So yeah, that’s all happening.

But in the meantime, I want to be happy in my home.  I’m here all the time seeing as I”m on maternity leave and I need to feel comfortable in my space right now.  So there are a couple of things I’ve been working on:

  1. Keeping it super clean.  This is easier said than done with two littles, but it’s super important, especially given then bug situation.  So I often prioritize cleaning over all of the other things.  I have a cleaning schedule that I try to keep to and that works most weeks.  But I’m considering getting a cleaner come in twice a month because I just can’t keep up.
  2. Going minimalist.  I’ve been wanting/trying to do this for some time now.  It’s so hard with kids because people keep giving us shit.  By shit I mean toys.  We have too many toys.  Toys which are currently scattered all over the living room floor.  I do put quite a few away and rotate but ideally I’d like to just get rid of like half of them.  In all other respects we’re pretty minimalist. I try to do a big declutter once a year and that helps to keep things in check.  It also helps that neither my husband nor I like shopping.  I hate spending money and I don’t like buying things that I don’t really need.

I really can’t wait to move though.  This is the longest I’ve stayed in one place and I’m getting antsy.  I also really really want a back yard for the summer.  It would just make my life a lot easier.  I can take my son outside to do some much needed running around while the baby naps.

Speaking of which, they are both still napping – though baby girl has been waking after 45 minutes, and if she does this again that means I only have seven minutes left to myself.  Fingers crossed she’ll go longer!

Love and Let Go

The details of what happened this morning matter less than how I feel. How I’ve been feeling.

Frustrated, quick to snap, controlling, angry, and resentful.

I know I need to let go. Let go of my tendency to want to make my son do what I want him to do. Somethings are OK. It’s OK if he doesn’t want to sit in his chair and eat breakfast. I don’t like how I react in those situations. My reaction – getting angry – makes it all so much worse. 

I don’t want to be an angry mom. 

It’s so hard sometimes. He’s a spirited little guy with big feelings. And I get overwhelmed when things don’t go as planned. When routines – as simple as they are – get thrown off.

After I dropped my son off at daycare I did yoga, that helped. I’m now sitting, breathing, writing, listening to music, and have a coffee. It should be a tea but enough with the should be’s. There’s nothing I should be. Only me. And it’s OK that I got frustrated. I have to forgive myself – as long as I learn from these experiences. 

Every day, every moment is an opportunity to be better. And I can be better. 

I can be more relaxed.

 I can be more loving. 

I can be more grateful. 

I want to cry right now because I have so much to be grateful for. I have two absolutely beautiful children. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have so many tools at my disposal to stay calm and grounded. It’s a gorgeous day today. The sun is shining and the breeze is beautiful. 

I feel better. 

I know toddlers need boundaries but I need to choose them wisely. Getting angry because he won’t eat where I want him to eat is not teaching him anything. Especially because he just wanted to colour. And that right there is why I feel so shitty. The guilt is strong on this one. 

My children can teach me so much. 

I can be a better person. I want to be a better person for them. I want to LOVE. And I do. I love them so much. I want them to see and feel so much love in this home. And sometimes that love will not be beautiful. There will be other hard times, challenging situations. There will be rules made from love that they won’t like. There will be things they won’t be able to do. And I’m OK with that, as long as it comes from love. Me yelling at him this morning did not come from love.

 So from now on I’m going to ask myself ‘do I need him to do this from a place of love, or is it coming from somewhere else?’. If it’s coming from somewhere else maybe it’s not a fight to be fought. 

Maybe I need to let go of my need to control. 

Maybe I need to just love and let go.

Overwhelmed

Today I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Both kids were losing their shit at the same time and I could’t be two places at once.  I’m pretty sure my baby girl is teething and she didn’t sleep well because her big brother was freaking out and he woke her up.  My two year old has just been totally insane the last few days.  He’ll be super happy one minute and next thing you know toys are flying across the room and he’s biting the kitchen chair out of frustration.

When my husband got home from work he tried to help but my toddler only wanted mom.  He screamed when my husband tried to get him milk.  Only I could get him milk.  And the baby only wanted to be in my arms.  I was nursing her and my son wanted me to colour with him.  My husband said he would and the toddler screamed “MOM!” and then threw his crayons.

WFT dude?!

I put the baby girl down for a nap at 4 and took my son out for a walk and it was nice, but I couldn’t relax.  I felt so tense and frustrated.

While I was putting the kids to bed I felt angry.  It took the baby 40 minutes to fall asleep even though she was super tired (probably because she was super tired) and I could feel the anger rising.  I noticed it and tried to just breathe, but my breath was sticking.

I still feel like I can’t get a deep breath.

I know I’m lucky because today was not how every day is.  Usually my baby girl is so sweet and happy.  My little guy is usually a lot of fun.  He loves to play and laugh and he makes me laugh so much.  Rarely are they both freaking out at the same time.

And I know that I should have taken more time to myself this morning while she slept.  Instead I cleaned the bathroom, organized my sons toys, and I don’t remember what else, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t something that nurtured me.

Now that they’re sleeping, I’m going to do some relaxing yoga, have a cup of tea (who am I kidding, it’ll be another glass of wine) and then head to bed.  Hopefully I’ll get a good night’s sleep so that I can handle whatever comes my way tomorrow.

 

Perspective

Today was a bad day.  A really bad day.  And it was Mother’s Day at that, which meant it should have been my day, but instead, it was a bad day.

It was a day full of tantrums.  Tantrums like I’ve never seen before. Toys were thrown.  Food went uneaten.  There was screaming, biting, and so. much. noise.

And to top it off, I’m getting sick.  My body aches, I’ve had a headache all day, and I’m so tired.

The two littles ones are in bed now which means I get to relax with a cup of tea and watch some vlogs.   I came across this video:

I’m not usually a sap for stuff like this, but today I needed this.  Because even though there were (a lot of) bad moments, there were also a lot of really good moments.  So before I go to bed tonight I’m going to sift through my memory (which is not so sharp these days) and find those good moments and be grateful for them.  I want to see things from my son’s perspective – he’s probably getting sick too – and trust that he had some good moments in the day as well.

Tired

I kept my two year old home again today.  Normally he goes to daycare in the mornings, but after what happened on Monday I just don’t really want him with her anymore.  So I kept him home.

We had a great morning, but holy shit I’m tired.  Toddlers are serious energy suckers.  And my three month old is teething – early I know, but my son started getting teeth at four months so I’m not surprised – so she’s bit a little fussy and wanting to comfort nurse a lot.  Which is also very tiring.  Her sleep has been weird too – last night she finally settled at 10 pm only to get up twice in the night and then start the day at 7.

So yeah, I’m a little tired today.

But happy.

I love spending time with my son.  I think he is just the coolest, funniest, and sweetest little person.  He’s also great with his little sister so I don’t feel like there’s any jealousy and if I need to tend to her he’s pretty good about it.

I’m also happy that they are both napping.  Well, my son is jumping and jib jabbering in his crib, but he’ll be asleep soon (I hope!).

So I think, I can do this.  I can have him home.  Maybe I don’t need to figure out another daycare option.

But the real question is, do I want to do this every day?  I get very little time to myself to recharge and I need that.  And today was a good day, but not every day is like this.  A lot of days are filled with crying and tantrums and just chaos and very little room to breathe.

I need days where I can just breathe.

I went to talk to my neighbour today to see if she would be willing to come by a few mornings a week to help out.  She can take just my son to the park, or stay here with the baby, or even just watch both of them while I go for a walk/get a massage/grab a coffee/feel normal.  And then maybe she’ll stay on full time when I go back to work.

If I go back to work…

No, I have to go back to work …. eventually.

A lot to ponder, but first, coffee.  Thank god for baby naps and coffee.