Yesterday I was feeling stressed all day. I felt it from the moment my son woke me up at 5:40 that morning. And it lingered all day. I fought it, hard, and I thought I was winning.
And then my husband set me off.
I had turned the oven on to make dinner and opened it to find a baking sheet already in there. I asked him if we could stop leaving them in there because I always forget to check and he said ‘I’ll make you a deal, I’ll stop if you stop leaving food in the sink’.
This made me so angry for a few reasons.
- He says ‘I’ll make you a deal’ to our 3 year old.
- I’m not the only one who leaves food in the sink. We have those food catchers and any time you clean any plate food gets caught in it. It’s just something that happens. It’s like blaming me for the fact that the floor needs to be swept.
- Why did it have to be turned around to something that I do? Why couldn’t he just say, ‘sure’.
I seriously don’t even know what’s normal anymore in a relationship. Are these kind of negotiations normal? Or am I being irrational?
If I was nagging him all the time about shit like this I could maybe see why he would react that way. But I don’t – and it’s because I try to avoid these kinds of reactions from him.
I’m having a hard time understanding my emotional reaction to this. I’ve obviously got some shit going on because I shouldn’t feel this angry/sad over such a small thing. I guess it goes to show how much has been building. How much lack of sleep impairs my emotions. How much my husband and I need to stay in counselling.
My thoughts today have been so negative. I keep thinking of all the things he says and does that hurt or upset me. I’m doing this home study marriage self help thing and I’m supposed to list all the reasons why I married him but all that comes to mind are all the red flags that should have been warnings to walk away.
But I did marry him, despite all of that.
I need to shake this mood off. Stop the negative thinking. Tap into gratitude and remember why I married him. Remember why I want this to work. Why my marriage is important.
I need to let it go.
I think? Seriously, though, am I being crazy irrational or was his reaction uncalled for?