The details of what happened this morning matter less than how I feel. How I’ve been feeling.
Frustrated, quick to snap, controlling, angry, and resentful.
I know I need to let go. Let go of my tendency to want to make my son do what I want him to do. Somethings are OK. It’s OK if he doesn’t want to sit in his chair and eat breakfast. I don’t like how I react in those situations. My reaction – getting angry – makes it all so much worse.
I don’t want to be an angry mom.
It’s so hard sometimes. He’s a spirited little guy with big feelings. And I get overwhelmed when things don’t go as planned. When routines – as simple as they are – get thrown off.
After I dropped my son off at daycare I did yoga, that helped. I’m now sitting, breathing, writing, listening to music, and have a coffee. It should be a tea but enough with the should be’s. There’s nothing I should be. Only me. And it’s OK that I got frustrated. I have to forgive myself – as long as I learn from these experiences.
Every day, every moment is an opportunity to be better. And I can be better.
I can be more relaxed.
I can be more loving.
I can be more grateful.
I want to cry right now because I have so much to be grateful for. I have two absolutely beautiful children. I have a loving and supportive husband. I have so many tools at my disposal to stay calm and grounded. It’s a gorgeous day today. The sun is shining and the breeze is beautiful.
I feel better.
I know toddlers need boundaries but I need to choose them wisely. Getting angry because he won’t eat where I want him to eat is not teaching him anything. Especially because he just wanted to colour. And that right there is why I feel so shitty. The guilt is strong on this one.
My children can teach me so much.
I can be a better person. I want to be a better person for them. I want to LOVE. And I do. I love them so much. I want them to see and feel so much love in this home. And sometimes that love will not be beautiful. There will be other hard times, challenging situations. There will be rules made from love that they won’t like. There will be things they won’t be able to do. And I’m OK with that, as long as it comes from love. Me yelling at him this morning did not come from love.
So from now on I’m going to ask myself ‘do I need him to do this from a place of love, or is it coming from somewhere else?’. If it’s coming from somewhere else maybe it’s not a fight to be fought.
Maybe I need to let go of my need to control.
Maybe I need to just love and let go.