Rainy Day Thoughts

It’s raining and both kids are napping.  I’m sitting in nervous energy, always do when they nap, not sure why.  Is it that they will wake up any minute, or that they won’t wake at all?

My son cries before nearly every sleep and cries when he wakes.  He’s 2 years and 2 months.  He’s done this for 2 years and 2 months.  You think I would get used to it.  You think, why would you let him cry?  I do it because he needs to sleep.  If I go in to comfort him he goes into hysterics and then doesn’t sleep.  And I need to give him at least 15 minutes to wake up or else he is inconsolable.  If I wait, he’s happy.

My daughter can fall asleep on her own and she wakes up happy.  She’s 3 months old.

I still can’t get over the difference between the two of them.  And the difference in me.  Even though I have this nervous energy, my overall mood is nothing like it was with my son.

My baby girl has this really amazing ability to calm me.  I just have to look at her and all my worries melt away.  It’s a beautiful thing.  I hope we always have that connection.

I definitely don’t have that with my mother.

Some nights when I’m up nursing my baby girl I think about the things I wish my mother would tell me.  That I’m doing a good job.  That she found it hard sometimes.  That she’s here for me.

Some nights when I’m up nursing my baby girl I think about the things I wish my mother wouldn’t say to me.  That my daughter spits up because of something I’m eating.  That my son is a bad sleeper because I was an anxious first time mom.  That I’m a mean mom.  That my kids can come home with her.

She says these things to my children, so it’s not like she’s actually saying them to me.  She would never say things like this to me directly.  She says very few things directly.

But no person is perfect.  No mother is perfect.  All I can try to be is better.  To give my daughter the things I needed that I never got from my mom.  I can also try to focus on the beautiful things my mother did give me.  Physical affection – so many hugs, cuddles.  Lots of ‘I love yous’.  Great body image.  Strong self esteem. Safety and stability.  Freedom, both physically and emotionally to discover who I am.

I don’t blame her and I don’t think I’m angry.  I do get rather disappointed.  But I know who I am and I know that I was not an easy daughter.  I’m stubborn and strong willed.  I have always been fiercely independent and I honestly don’t think my mother understands me.

But then again, I don’t know how much I understand – or know – my  mother.

I want to know and understand my children.  I want them to know and understand me.

I will say this though,  she is a wonderful nanna.  She loves them so much and it warms my heart to see someone bestow so much love upon my children.  They are lucky to have her.



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