I just put sweet baby girl down for her morning nap and I feel the need to get some things out of my head. I’ve been letting some not so great things build up and haven’t had the time to devote to these thoughts. Namely my marriage, my job, and just stresses with the kids.
I guess this post will be part one: my marriage.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 14 years. There was a break in there while I was living in Thailand, but yeah, we’ve been together a long time. We’ve had our challenges along the way and I feel that having kids has been the hardest on our marriage. I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if I even married the wrong man. Wondered if we can make it work. I read somewhere that you should stop focusing on what the other person is doing and focus more on what you’re doing. I know I can do more. I know I can be more for him, but it’s hard when I’m up at night with our 3 month old and our toddler is tantrumy and I haven’t had any time to myself all day.
Some time ago we both decided we want to be in this. We had the talk and decided we wanted to stay together. And things were good for a bit. But once again I feel like we’ve gone back to our old ways and are just coexisting. Sleeping in separate rooms. Only talking about our kids. There is very little fun in our relationship right now.
So people say, date your spouse. Bring back the fun. And the thing is, we actually have very little in common. Crazy, I know. We don’t like to do the same things so ‘dating’ is difficult because one person ends up doing something for the other person. We’ve tried alternating date ideas and that works for a bit, but then it falls off. We both like to read – so we even tried reading the same book, but we don’t like the same kind of books.
I don’t know how we’ve made it work so long because we are really so different.
Actually I know how we’ve made it work – we are both respectful and encouraging of each others passions. I went to Costa Rica to do yoga for three weeks without him. He needs to go to the gym every day. It’s OK that we do things separately. I think a big thing is neither one of us are doing the things we love right now, the things that make us feel grounded and ourselves. We are tired and all about the kids.
When I’m up late at night with the baby I sometimes have negative thoughts come up about my husband. I want to rewire these thoughts. I want to paint a more positive picture of my husband. I just find I can come up with the negative things faster than the positive. I never used to be like this. He’s my person. I chose him. I want to feel nothing but love and loyalty to him. I want to see and admire and appreciate the good in him.
We’ve talked about going to counselling and I found something online, but it never amounted to anything. Perhaps we should revisit this. Or maybe just I should go to counselling. Couldn’t hurt.