Healing and Gratitude

After my daughter was born I remember looking up and seeing my husband standing at our bathroom door holding our two year old son.  My husband wasn’t there with me in that moment that she was born, or for the hardest part where I screamed and clawed at our couch, needing to hold onto something.  Our son woke up at 5:45 am (my screams woke him up) and my husband had to go tend to him.  Our sweet baby girl was born at 6:15.

After she was born, I looked up at my husband and my son.  When I saw my son I remember him looking very concerned and curious.  Probably wondering what all that noise was.  Wondering who all those people were.  Why I was naked in the shower holding a little crying baby.  He wasn’t scared though.  I kissed them and cried.

She’s perfect I said.

We then made our way to the bed where she latched immediately and I cried tears of gratitude and relief.  When my son was born he wouldn’t latch and it took us a long time to get the hang of it.  This little one, well, she was a champ right from the start.  We lay in bed together, her suckling for over an hour.

I don’t know why, but it took me a long time to recover from my sons birth.  Both physically and emotionally.  The physical recovery took well over two months, even though I didn’t tear.  I just felt really off – like my insides were going to fall out of me. (Sorry if that’s tmi!).  The emotional recovery took much longer.  I didn’t realize that I was still recovering until we started talking about having a second.  Which is why I started this blog, because I knew I still had some healing to do before I could have another baby.

And then I had her and it all went away.

Even though I have some not so great memories of the birth, the moment that she was born was something I will never forget.  I felt so light and free and normal.  And I have felt that way ever since.  It’s like she healed me.  Her birth was what I was waiting for.  I was waiting for her.

I feel so blessed and grateful for both of my children.  They have both given me so much, taught me so much, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.


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