Feeling Robbed

My baby girl is 10 weeks old today and is just an absolute dream.  I feel so full of love and gratitude for her.

My days with her are so easy.  She sleeps well and on her own, she smiles, she coos, she nurses well – like I said, a total dream.  And I’m so different this time around – I’m not anxious or sad or angry.

I do feel something not so great though.  Like reverse nostalgia.  I see now how I guess ‘normal’ babies are and I can’t help but feel like I got robbed my first time around.  I wish I could have had this kind of experience with my son.  Don’t get me wrong, I felt a ton of love and gratitude – overwhelmingly so – but it was so fucking hard.

I can’t even compare the two because everything is different, but the biggest thing is the sleep.  And not just how long and where they sleep, but just their overall approach to sleep.

My son, two years old, still has to let out steam before he goes to sleep.  Sometimes its in the form of jumping in his crib (ok, always), sometimes its yelling, sometimes its crying.  And if I go in to comfort him it just makes it worse.  And he very often still wakes up crying.  I hate it so much.  And he’s been like that his whole life.

She falls asleep beautifully and peacefully ON HER OWN and wakes up smiling.  Smiling!

I have space to myself during the day which I didn’t get with my son because he had to sleep on me.  And when he wasn’t sleeping he needed to be held.  I feel so sad right now thinking back to that time.  I wish it had been a better experience.  But I’m so glad I didn’t let it influence our decision to have another baby because I can’t imagine the world without her.

Whenever I speak/write not so happy things about my son I always feel the need to say – I love him so much.  And I do.  God I love that kid.  He’s so funny and energetic and smart. He’s watching us all the time now and learning so much.  He has such a big personality for such a little guy.  He’s also ridiculously good looking. And I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom.  He has the most beautiful smile and the best laugh.  But oh man that kid stresses me out.  Always has, probably always will 🙂

 

 

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One thought on “Feeling Robbed

  1. Aww, I’m sorry you’ve had troubles with your little guy. I understand how frustrating or overwhelming it can be when you are all touched out but still you need to rock the little one to sleep, only to have them wake up a few minutes later. It’s exhausting and it’s hard, but every kid is different. Just watch..when he’s a teen you’ll have to fight him out of bed 😉
    My little girl is 14 months and has always had difficulties going to sleep and staying asleep, but I have high hopes! Lately she accepts to lay down and rest her head for a few minutes. I’m thinking age is helping, but probably all the fresh air, sunshine and exercise(just learned to walk) she’s getting are a huge help too! Good luck with your little man! 🙂

    Like

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