I started this blog as a way for me to deal with stuff and right now I’m feeling some not so great stuff.
I talk a lot about the anxiety I felt with my first, but what lasted even longer than the anxiety was the anger an frustration I felt. Mostly towards my husband. Not cool, I know.
Today I felt a lot of those same feelings.
Mostly a whole lot of frustration.
I’m frustrated because sometimes I feel really alone in this whole parenting thing. I feel like if I don’t do something, it doesn’t get done. I don’t want to nag and I don’t want to have to tell my husband what to do (vacuum, please? fold some laundry? get off the fucking couch and play with your son while I nurse the baby!) but I feel like I have to tell him what to do! And he’s being kind of a shitty dad right now which is not not like him, but he doesn’t know how to calm the baby or deal with our sons tantrums and I’m stuck dealing with both.
I’m frustrated because I just want an hour to myself in the day. Mostly to sleep – alone without a grunting baby on me (as sweet as the baby cuddles are, I get those all night long – just give me an hour in the day!).
And I’m frustrated because I’m so fucking tired. I’m not sleeping a whole lot at night. This isn’t surprising seeing as our daughter is three weeks old. I am up with her every two to three hours and at some point in the night there is a good hour to two hours where she just won’t settle. And my husband gets to get in a full night of uninterrupted sleep in the spare room – and then he complains to me that he’s tired. I can’t even handle it. He even took a nap today while I tended to both babies. Ugh.
I know anyone reading this would be like, you need to talk to your husband. And yeah, I probably do, but I can’t handle a fight right now and that’s what it would turn into. When I’m tired and frustrated I can be very attacky and then he goes on the defence and it’s just not good. And yes, I know, not talking is not good either.
The babies are sleeping now and my husband is downstairs watching podcasts or something. Instead of offloading all of my frustrations on him I’m just going to let it go and try to get some sleep.