These days I seem to only want to blog when things are shitty. Which is too bad because I don’t want this space to become a pit of negativity or for you to think that I am ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. But the reality is that things have been feeling kind of shitty lately and I need an outlet to vent my frustrations.
And there are many.
But with every frustration there is a but. Like..
- I’m so over being pregnant. I feel like I have been pregnant for.ever. But I am so grateful that we were able to easily conceive a second child and that my pregnancy, for the most part, has been easy.
- I have no patience for my sons outbursts. But I know that he is testing and learning and that my reactions feed his behavior and so I breathe and try to find compassion and patience for him. And when he’s happy – which is actually more often than not these days – he’s so incredibly adorable and gorgeous and I just want to eat him up.
- I feel like no matter how much I do, I’m not getting anything done. My to do list just keeps growing and it’s so hard to check things off – even though I’m off work now! But I also know that I need to rest. If I don’t get everything done, its OK. It’s more than OK.
- I hate that I can’t exercise. My hip pain is exacerbated when I do and I’m just super uncomfortable, and so I refrain from doing the things that keep me fit – namely walking and doing yoga. But I only have a few weeks to go!
- I still have some fear and anxiety concerning the post partum phase. I worry I won’t be able to handle it and that I’ll feel isolated, angry, and anxious again. But knowing what I know, I’ve been preparing for the worst. And lining up some support – so I will do what I need to do this time around to get the help I need.
- And lastly, I’m frustrated that the magic isn’t there for this pregnancy. I feel so tired, and frustrated, and overwhelmed that I haven’t been able to feel the level of excitement and anticipation that I want to for this baby. And that makes me so incredibly sad. I’m going to have another baby and that is so special. My son is going to have a little sister. My husband gets to experience raising a daughter. OK, maybe I do feel it a little 🙂 I need to think about these things more. I need to direct my energy to this wonderful, beautiful life growing inside of me and spend less time feeding my frustrations.
I think what it comes down to is I really need to stop being so hard on myself. This whole motherhood gig is hard and the thought of adding a second is scary and overwhelming, but it also just might be the most amazing thing. She will be amazing and if I’m being honest, at the end of event the most frustrating day, I really really can’t wait for her to join our family.