I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in about a week. Each night it gets worse and worse – last night I got maybe four hours of broken sleep – and I’m now exhausted, emotional and just feeling really off. I’m going to try to nap soon, but I didn’t get anything done around the house. I know its ok because I had a super busy morning (midwife appointment, bloodwork, then grocery store), but I just feel like time is slipping away from me and before I know it I’m going to have this baby and I just want to feel ready.
I’m feeling especially weepy and emotional right now. Instead of just sitting with these feelings I thought it would be good to blog about it. This is why I started this blog in the first place – to get things off my chest and deal with my shit. So here it goes.
At the midwives office this morning there were a few newborns there and hearing their cries, seeing how little they are made me feel extremely anxious. And scared. It made me doubt that I can, and even want to, do this. I know I’m going to love her (so so much), and there is so much that I am looking forward to – but I can’t shake this awful feeling. I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it together. Especially given the state of my marriage right now.
I know I’m feeling this way because I’m exhausted. And hormonal. But I will be exhausted and even more hormonal when she’s here and I think I’m going to need more help than I’ve been planning for.
So this afternoon I’m just going to nap. Tomorrow I’m going to contact some post-partum doulas and write out a list of postpartum counselors. The original plan is to have my husband home from work for 2 weeks after the baby comes and then my parents will stay for 3 weeks. This will be huge. And then after that my son will be in daycare three days and our 20 year old neighbour will come by one day for a few hours in the afternoon to help me with our son. I’m thinking now I might need to just pay for someone who specializes in postpartum. Someone who understands the anxiety that I might experience and support me through it.