Insomnia and Anxiety

I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in about a week.  Each night it gets worse and worse – last night I got maybe four hours of broken sleep – and I’m now exhausted, emotional and just feeling really off.  I’m going to try to nap soon, but I didn’t get anything done around the house.  I know its ok because I had a super busy morning (midwife appointment, bloodwork, then grocery store), but I just feel like time is slipping away from me and before I know it I’m going to have this baby and I just want to feel ready.

I’m feeling especially weepy and emotional right now. Instead of just sitting with these feelings I thought it would be good to blog about it. This is why I started this blog in the first place – to get things off my chest and deal with my shit. So here it goes.

At the midwives office this morning there were a few newborns there and hearing their cries, seeing how little they are made me feel extremely anxious. And scared.  It made me doubt that I can, and even want to, do this.  I know I’m going to love her (so so much), and there is so much that I am looking forward to – but I can’t shake this awful feeling.  I’m scared I won’t be able to hold it together. Especially given the state of my marriage right now.

I know I’m feeling this way because I’m exhausted.  And hormonal.  But I will be exhausted and even more hormonal when she’s here and I think I’m going to need more help than I’ve been planning for.

So this afternoon I’m just going to nap.  Tomorrow I’m going to contact some post-partum doulas and write out a list of postpartum counselors.  The original plan is to have my husband home from work for 2 weeks after the baby comes and then my parents will stay for 3 weeks.  This will be huge.  And then after that my son will be in daycare three days and our 20 year old neighbour will come by one day for a few hours in the afternoon to help me with our son.  I’m thinking now I  might need to just pay for someone who specializes in postpartum. Someone who understands the anxiety that I might experience and support me through it.


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