Today my husband made me so angry I had him stop the car so I could get out. I slammed the door and walked my 36 week pregnant self back the 5 blocks home. In the snow. When I got home I just stood in the doorway for some time, shaken and unsure what to do. I don’t think I’ve ever acted out on my anger in that way before and I was overwhelmed by my emotions.
I just felt so angry. And guilty for slamming the car door while my son was in the back seat. And sad for missing out on time spent with my son. And confused. Was I overreacting? All I knew in that moment was that I could not be near my husband. It was an extreme fight or flight situation and I needed to get away.
Today was supposed to be a good day spent with our 2 year old, and I had somehow found myself at home, alone, angry and sad. I still feel really sad.
We’ve been together for 10 years and have been having problems for a while, but they got so much worse after our son was born. Some days I just feel so stuck and really awful thoughts go through my mind – like, did I marry the wrong man? Will it always be like this?
But I want it to work. Both of us do (we’ve had that talk) and yet we continually find ourselves back at the same place. He bottles up his feelings then explodes and emotionally attacks me (like today in the car), and then I retreat, close of and feel so sad.
We need to break this cycle, and I’m not sure how.