Today was such a rough day, I just want to cry. I’m really struggling with my 22 month old son right now. I just put him down to sleep for the night and I’m sitting in my room taking deep breaths, trying to let go of the day.
I’ve been trying so hard to not be so negative lately. To feel gratitude for all the wonderful things in my life and compassion for my frustrated toddler and some love for my 35 week pregnant self. But some days (more often than not lately) the impatience, frustration, stress, and tiredness take over. I’m blaming pregnancy hormones – but regardless of what is causing it, I don’t like it.
On days like today I feel so scared of adding another baby. I question whether I have it in me to do it. Whether I have the emotional capacity to handle it all.
I feel some days that I just spend the whole day trying to keep it together. Trying to not lose my shit. To not yell, to not cry, to not say fuck it and let him eat crap food and watch tv and just let the house go to shit.
Instead I take deep breaths. I do all I can to make him smile, laugh, anything but whine and throw yet another a tantrum. And it’s exhausting. I try not to take any of it personally. But I seriously don’t know what to do. When he smacks the bowl of strawberries out of my hand I’ve read that I should say something like “I understand you don’t want strawberries, and you’re frustrated because you can’t tell me what you want” when really what I want to say is, “are you fucking kidding me?” And what am I supposed to do when he headbutts me so hard that my eyes sting? Or when he goes from one toy bin to another just yelling and throwing shit all over the place.
And I read all that and think, if it was my friend telling me this I would think, she needs to set boundaries. And I try, but somedays I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
The good thing is that not all days are like this. Tomorrow is a new day and I have to believe that it will be better.