I woke up at 5am today with far too many thoughts swimming in my head. My husband, who is currently a stay at home dad, has accepted a really great job. And he’s to start in two weeks.
The first and most pressing thing now is daycare for our 21 month old son. Luckily, we know a sweet woman in our neighbourhood who offers home daycare and she has space. So we’re meeting with her tonight. She’s really flexible and the price is reasonable.
So that’s the logistics part of it.
I don’t love the idea of my son being cared for by someone else. But I don’t hate it. I know for sure that she has one other little one who is my sons age, so that’ll be really good for him. Plus, kids are pretty adaptable, I know he’ll be just fine.
I’m more worried about my husband and I. My husband was telling me that my son napped on him yesterday for 30 minutes (yeah, we seem to have regressed a tad in the nap department – he napped on me on the weekend as well, which was actually very sweet) – and while he held him he cried. So he’s feeling it too.
I feel a lot of things. For me, it’s not just about putting our son in daycare. For me it means that my husband is not going to be here with me after the baby is born. But at least now we know that and it’s not just a what if for me to stress about. It’s actually happening and now that I know, I can plan.
Maybe I won’t have the anxiety again. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep. Maybe this little one won’t be high needs. And maybe my husband and I will be a better team and I won’t feel lonely and resentful.
But if there’s a chance that any of those things happen again, I need to be prepared.
If I have the anxiety, I’ll make sure there is someone here. We’ll hire a post partum doula and she can watch the baby while I take care of myself – meditate, do yoga, read, go for a walk – do whatever is that I need to do for me. I also know now that it gets a hell of a lot better after three months, so I need to just keep that in mind.
If I can’t sleep, the post partum doula can come and watch the baby while I catch up during the day. (This one is tricky though because it wasn’t just that I was kept up – it was my anxiety that kept me from sleeping, so hopefully I find ways to ease that in general).
If this one is high needs, well, I’ve been there before and I know what to do. It was hard, but I know I can do it again. Babywearing to the rescue! And I’m really not opposed to cosleeping again.
If I notice my husband pulling back emotionally or I need something from him, I’m going to talk to him about it right away. I’m also going to try to support him better, understand what he needs and make sure we are both doing OK.
It will be ok. And after the first little while it will be better than ok. It’s a great job with a great salary and it could mean really great things for our family. Plus, he wanted to start looking in a few months anyways, this takes away all the stress of job hunting, which is really not fun.
Besides, I really did enjoy the peaceful, quiet time I got with my son when he was a wee one. I’m really looking forward to those sweet moments I get to share with my baby girl. And with my son being in daycare just a few houses down, I can go get him whenever I want.
It could be kind of perfect. I just have to keep telling myself that. And stop overthinking this whole thing. I want to stop thinking of what can go wrong, but what can go right. I want to change my view of fear. And above all else, I want to be grateful.