I’m back from our quick three day trip home to visit my uncle. It was an emotionally exhausting trip and I’m so glad to be home.
The traveling part wasn’t so bad. We left at 8:30 am on Friday. I slept horribly the night before and by the time we got to the airport I was feeling really anxious – nauseous and that familiar heat up the back of my neck. Once we got checked in I felt much better and the flight was pretty uneventful.
My parents met us at the airport and after I struggled to get the car seat (which they brought up but didn’t install) in the car properly – not an easy task for a 26 week pregnant lady – we then squished ourselves into the car for the three hour drive.
The drive was the worst. My hips hurt and my son lost mind within the first 10 minutes. Thank god I brought my laptop and movies which he watched the whole way. I’m not a fan of that much tv time, but I’m an even lesser fan of listening to a screaming toddler for three hours.
We got in at 4:30, had dinner and set up the play pen in the spare room for him to sleep in. At 6:15 I started his bedtime routine, as usual. I brought his familiar teddies, blanket, and sound machine in the hopes that he would feel comfortable and just sleep. No such luck. I did the whole routine (book, song, etc etc) and lay him down very sleepy. As soon as I left the room he screamed. And screamed and screamed. This wasn’t the usual ‘I’m tired’ cry, so I went back in 5 minutes later to reassure him. Laid him back down and again, he screamed. I decided this wasn’t going to work and I moved everything into the room that I was sleeping in and gave into the idea that he was going to have to sleep with me. We redid the routine and I lay down in bed with him. He immediately gave me a kiss (sweetest thing ever) and then proceeded to flop all over the place. After a few minutes of this I picked him up, put him back in the play pen at the end of my bed and within 20 minutes he was fast asleep. And he didn’t wake up once. It was wonderful.
He actually slept really well the whole time. Naps too. Me on the other hand, not so much.
I didn’t get to see my uncle until the second day. My dad had warned my sister and I. He tried to prepare us for what we were about to see.
When we got to the house he was sleeping and I went into the living room where they had his bed set up to say hello. He was laying on his back with his knees up and the blanket had fallen off his shoulder, exposing his arm. It was all bone. His hands were white and frail and his eyes were sunken. I was not prepared for what I saw and I couldn’t hold it in. I walked out of the room with my son in my arms and cried.
Right as we were leaving he woke up, so I was able to say hello. His voice was shaky and he held my hand, telling me how happy he was to see me. He then said he wanted a beer. (My uncle does not drink beer!). And so we got the man a beer.
We went again the next morning and we talked more with my aunt who is obviously struggling with the whole thing. She said she can’t sit in the room with him because she feels useless. He asks her in the morning, ‘where am I?’ and ‘am I dieing?’ and ‘why is this happening to me?’. Luckily she has a lot of help – over night nurses and help dropping in three or four times a day. Plus, they have my parents.
The night before we left we said goodbye and I asked him if he knew I was having another baby, and he said yes. I said, and it’s a girl and that we were going to name her Isabel. He looked off, said, Isabel and smiled.
The trip back was pretty stressful. I didn’t sleep well (again – all weekend actually) and my son didn’t as well and he woke up very moody. The car trip was actually great – he slept for over an hour and only lost his shit a few times.
We got to the airport, checked in and he ran around while my sister had a beer. I would have loved a beer. I was showing my sister my passport (which is what I use as my id seeing as I don’t have my drivers license), and she said, wow that’s an old picture, when does your passport expire? I looked at the date – MARCH 2016!!!! I was fucking traveling with expired id!!
I got really nervous and then thought, well, if they let me fly out 3 days ago, surely it’ll be fine again.
Well, we get to the counter and she checks – really checks – and says, this is expired. (Shit.) do you have any other id? (Shit.) No. Health card? No, expired. Drivers license? No, expired. (Fuck.)
Nothing. I had no other id on me. I had my sons birth certificate – which by the way they never checked – does that count for anything?
I told her we just flew out and I have my son with me and I’m pregnant (and about to completely break down if you don’t let me on this flight).
She says, OK we’ll let it go, but you can’t fly again until you get up to date id. YEAH NO SHIT. Also, ohmygod thank you.
I felt like all weekend I was holding all of my emotions in. I didn’t have the time or space to really let myself feel it all. I was so worried that in that moment, walking onto the plane I was going to break down sobbing. I told my sister, I feel like I need to just curl up in bed and cry for an hour. Just let it all go.
Which is what I just might do today.
I have the whole week off work, so at least I have this time to relax. To breathe, cry, and hopefully sleep.