I didn’t sleep well again last night and I awoke this morning, at 4am, thinking. More feeling than thinking really.
I was thinking about what it means to accomplish great things. About how I want to accomplish great things. I used to know what that meant. Now I’m not so sure. A great accomplishment to one person (ie: making lots of money, running a business, writing a book, traveling to exotic locations, being famous) might be very different from anothers idea of great.
I want sustained greatness.
I have done great things. I have had great moments.
And now I want more than that.
I want to be a great mother. Last night when I got home from work I was exhausted. I snapped at my 20 month old as he threw his dinner on the floor without even trying it. I lost my patience, roughly taking him out of his high chair and placing him on the floor. I felt the anger in that moment and it did not feel good. I know these moments are inevitable and will come up again. I don’t want these moments to define me as a mother. I don’t want to dwell, but learn. I want my children to look up to me. I want them to know that I love them no matter what. I want to teach them how to be a good – no great – person and I want to lead by example.
I want to be a great wife. What does this look like? I’m not even sure. Words that come to mind: Loving. Kind. Supportive. Happy. A great wife is a happy wife. Which means that I need to do things that make me feel good. I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my husband. Right now I’m six months pregnant, stressed out and exhausted. Easy to snap. Easy to judge. I want to be better.
I want to do things that excite me. I want to work at a job that I feel valued and appreciated and I need to feel that I am contributing. I want to help and inspire people. I want to see the world from various perspectives – I have no desire to travel to exotic locations anymore, but instead to discover and be in awe of what is around me right now. I want to continue to have ideas, ambitious and not be afraid to pursue them.
Maybe turning 35 did spark something more in me, I don’t know. All I know is I woke up this morning feeling like I only get one shot at this. We only get one life and I want mine to be fucking great.
And it can be. Every day offers opportunity for greatness. To be a great mother. A great wife. To truly experience things and not sit on the sidelines.
It’s 7am and my son is babbling in his room. My baby girl is kicking in my belly and I’m ready to start the day. Let’s do this.