My Anxiety Has Anxiety at the Thought of My Husband Going Back to Work

About a week and a half ago my husband found a job that he wanted.  It’s a good job.  He’s very qualified.  And it pays well.

He’s been home with our son for the last 8 months and has been collecting employment insurance in that time.  His EI runs out this month and even though we are totally fine money wise (I got this!), he’s feeling anxious about not having his own cash.

And I get that, I do.

I also think he’s getting a bit burnt out staying home with our son.  Our little guy has been challenging lately, to say the least, and it’s taking a toll on my husband.  I also think he’s getting bored and is ready to step back into the working world of adults and all that other stuff that sounds appealing when you’re away from it for a while (like adult conversation, time alone to enjoy a coffee, etc).

And I get all that too.

The Thought of My Husband Working

The day that my husband told me he wanted to apply for that job was the day I stopped sleeping.  I was riddled with anxiety for a few days afterwards.

All I could think was “I can’t do this alone”.

When my husband was working and I was home with my son I felt so alone.  Those first few months were both some of the best and worst days of my life.  I’m so scared to revisit those bad days.

I need him.

I need him home.

I feel a lot of bad things saying that.  Selfish, needy, vulnerable, insecure, scared.  The list goes on.

So in the last week and a half I’ve had time to really mull this over.  I’m a rational person who is not normally all of those things listed above.  I am a planner and I make thing happen.  I also face my problems head on, so that’s what I’m going to try to do here.

So first off, I tell myself to be rational.  I was losing sleep over something that might not even happen!  At that point he hadn’t even applied for the job!!  And then he has to get through the screening process (which could take a while as it’s a bit organization), and then there’s the interview.

I also want to be supportive.  This isn’t just about me.  It’s about him.  It’s about our family – if he gets the job we can really save for our dream family home.  And he wants to work.  So a part of me does hope he gets the job.

My Post-Partum Plan

If he does get the job, it will be ok.  It will.  I will make sure of it because I have the power of knowledge this time around.  I know what to expect – and if I don’t experience the anxiety again, then that will be awesome, but I am going to expect it.  And I’m going to be prepared.

If my husband gets the job, I will:

  • Put my son in daycare.  There’s a really nice lady who lives two doors down from us who runs a home care and she only has one child right now and he just happens to be my sons age.  They’ve played together and they get along.  She’s great with them and I could pick him up and drop him off whenever.  On a bad day, he’ll stay all day.  On a good day, I’ll get him and we’ll play.
  • Hire a post-partum doula.  I wish I had done this first time around.  I don’t know how much support I’ll need, but in those first few months I’d plan to have her come around two or three times a week for three hour stretches.  She can watch the baby while I sleep, help out around the house, talk to me and keep me sane.

I think those two things will help.  There wasn’t anything really that I feel I would do differently with this baby.  I was very flexible with my son and I rested a lot.  I didn’t worry about housework and we napped together every day.

I even did things to try to ease my anxiety.  I took time to myself every day to meditate, write, and do yoga, but none of that seemed to help.  I got outside for walks every day.  I tried to eat healthy by I had absolutly no appetite.

It’s About More Than Just the Anxiety

I guess I’m worried about more than just my anxiety though.  I’m worried about feeling alone.  Isolated.  Trapped and unsupported.  And I equate all that with my husband working.  He wasn’t sleeping well either (even though he wasn’t up with the baby…he just had sleeping problems), he was angry a lot, and just really stressed out.

He wasn’t able to give me what I needed, and I wasn’t able to give him what he needed.

It was very bad for our marriage and we’re still recovering.

Phewwwww.  I’ve still got a lot of issues lol.  No wonder I haven’t been sleeping.

I’ll just have to see how it all pans out.  I really hate that I’ve let all this worry overshadow the fact that I’m going to have another baby.  I get emotional (happy emotional) just thinking about it.  That year that I got to spend with my son was so amazing.  Well, after we got through the first three months.

And that’s what I need to keep reminding myself.  Just get through the first three months.  Because it really truly just gets better and better from there.

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