Can I do this again?

My husband, who is currently a stay at home dad to our 17 month old, told me last night that he’s starting to feel like he wants to go back to work.

I get it, I really do.  By the end of my year off with my son, as amazing as it was, I was ready to go back to work.  I was ready for a different routine with more freedom and adult conversation.  So I completely understand his desire to return to the workforce.

But the thought scares me.

For those of you who’ve been reading along you know that I had a lot of anxiety with my son.  I had a really tough time and I wasn’t even sure if I would (or could) do it all again.

And when my husband and I first talked about the prospect of having a second, I always came back to the fact that he’d be home.  I’d have support.  I wouldn’t feel alone.

I was able to put a lot of my anxieties and worries aside knowing that he was going to be there.

But what if he’s not there?

My anxiety is building just thinking about it.

Now I know that I don’t have to rely completely on him being home to get me through the tough times. I know this.  I have options.  I can:

  • Hire a post-partum doula, though this seems a bit extreme to me.  I also feel kind of silly hiring someone to come hang out (I’m sure they do more!), but really if my experience is like the first, all I need is someone there.  I need to be able to talk about what’s going on and breathe and feel grounded.
  • Get counselling.  I wrote about this before and this time around if the anxiety and sadness is really bad, I will talk to someone.
  • Put our first born in daycare.  This will give me a chance to rest and take care of myself.  I honestly think he’d really enjoy it, but I also want to be with him!  Half days or only a few times a week is an option too.

I also keep telling myself – maybe my memory is playing tricks on me.  Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I think.  My (thousands of) pictures show nothing but happy, relaxing times spent with my little bub.  And when I look at them I feel nothing but love and appreciation for that precious time I got with him.

But then I also remember, with every cell of my body, it being the hardest thing I’d ever done.

Maybe knowing that this is our last will help.Or the fact that I’ve done it all before.

Plus, every baby is different.

Though, honestly, it’s not the baby I’m worried about.  It’s me.

All this because my husband said he’s STARTING TO THINK he’d LIKE TO go back to work.  There have been no decisions made, and more importantly, no job offers.  Yet here I am, working myself up.  I guess I just feel that if he is going to go back to work that I need to be prepared.  I need to go into this knowing that I can do it.  And that I’ll be OK.




4 thoughts on “Can I do this again?

  1. We are only 8 weeks along and I have that anxiety as well. Our situation is unique because I work from home so technically one would say “well you can do both” – but seriously how does one go visit clients and do scheduled calls unless that kid is rigged like a robot? Plus I’m the primary breadwinner BUT my husband has the good healthcare & 401k, so while he’s offered to stay home I’m like, dude, you HAVE to go to work because buying our own benefits through a private plan would cost us over $1,000/mo. So we are contemplating the part time daycare thing as there’s a place 2 blocks from us that’s great, so I can have two solid days devoted to client work, but dang, it’s hard to justify $600-800/mo for part time too ya know! Oy…


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