Anxious Husband, Angry Wife

My husband said to me this morning that he could hear the baby next door crying last night.  And then he heard fighting.

He said it gave him anxiety about what was to come.

Those first few months were really rough.  I argue that the  first three were the hardest, whereas he argues things got harder after three months.

I know it doesn’t matter, who had a harder time, who thought what stages were most difficult, or who thought who was doing more.

But I can’t seem to let it go.

I think it’s because the disappointment was profound.  The anger I felt towards my husband in those first few months was new and raw and overwhelming.

I still remember so clearly those mornings when I had been up every hour, two hours, sometimes for hours trying to sooth our crying baby.  Latching to nurse, followed by pain, taking him right off only to have him latch unsuccessfully again.  Over and over until I would  just sit sobbing, beyond frustrated.  And then it would be 6am and I would see my husband walk past our door to go downstairs, I’d call out to him – ‘can you please take the baby’ and he said he couldn’t.  He wouldn’t.

I needed him so badly and he wasn’t there for me.

This memory still makes me angry, bur more than anything else, sad.  The man who I know my husband is – loving, supportive, nurturing – is not the man in that memory.  And I’m afraid that I was no better.  I had become a wife who was also unsupportive, unforgiving, spiteful, and bitter.

So I get why the baby crying and the neighbours fighting gives him anxiety.  Because it was fucking hard on both of us, but most of all, it was hard on our marriage.  It nearly destroyed us and some days I wonder how we’re going to make it through.



2 thoughts on “Anxious Husband, Angry Wife

  1. Valerie says:

    I’m so sorry that was your experience. 😦 I’m sure marital problems didn’t help your emotional state at the time.
    I’m curious (and don’t feel like you have to answer) but did you talk about your responses to each other once you were out of that baby stage? Like…was there resolve?


    • tendingtobaby says:

      Thanks Valerie. It certainly didn’t help at all 😦 I think the reason why my husband found it harder after 3 months was because he started helping more at night, and that’s when things got a little better for me. I feel like this is how it’s continued. One of us bares the brunt while the other takes a break. We have joked about this, saying that for a while we were just ships passing, trying to survive. But I can’t say that there was resolve exactly. It’ll be different this time around in that my husband will (I hope!) still be at home (as in, not working) and we imagine he will continue to be the key caregiver to our son while I focus on the newborn (read: nap). Though I also hope that we can feel more like partners in this whole crazy thing.


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