I had mentioned in my 10 week update that I cried at my first midwife appointment. Which is kind of funny (but not funny) because I cried at the first one with my son too. Only that one was for no reason (I had to take a taxi and it was really late and I showed up 20 minutes late, sobbing like a typical hormonal pregnant woman. I was so embarrassed).
This cry was very different.
She had asked all of the typical questions about my health, about my concerns, and got the forms for the genetic testing all ready for me.
She then asked how I coped with the postpartum stage.
Not well, I said. Not well at all.
And then, to my surprise, the tears came.
I talked about the anxiety I felt in those first few weeks, and how it lingered for three months. I talked about the fear that something horrible would happen to him while he slept. I talked about my husbands inability to support me at the time because he had a lot of shit going on.
I talked about how that experience made me seriously question whether or not I wanted more children. Whether or not I could handle having more children.
I told her about the panic I felt few days after he was born. He was just laying on my chest, sweet as can be, when I felt the room get smaller. I had a similar experience a few weeks after that and I was afraid to be alone with him.
Talking about it with her I realized a few things and my tears right now are testament to these things. One, I need to talk about it. I need to come to terms with it all and not be afraid. And two, I am so afraid.
She asked if I wanted to speak to someone and I said yes. I think I need to. I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t know what else to do. So she’s going to get me a list of people that specialize in postpartum.When I got home from my appointment I didn’t tell my husband. I still haven’t. My parents are visiting too and I haven’t said anything about this to anyone. I don’t know if it’s that I’m embarrassed, or I just don’t want to worry them, or what. I know I will have to tell my husband when I start seeing someone, maybe then he’ll understand just how serious this is for me.