I started this blog as a means of processing everything that I had pushed down or swept aside in those tough first months that my son was born. I thought writing and getting it out there would help me prepare mentally and emotionally for another baby.
Now that I’m pregnant I’m feeling that I don’t really want to rehash the hard times. I want to be as naive as I was with my first and just enjoy this journey without the anxiety of what might happen.
I would love to feel and express nothing but gratitude, joy, and love in this blog. I would love to remember the hard days and even harder nights and feel strength and courage from those experiences instead of fear and anxiety.
But then last night I was awoken by a dream that kept me up wondering where the newborn will sleep. I coslept for four months with my son and I don’t know if I can do that again. As lovely and beautiful it was at times, it also caused me a lot of anxiety and I didn’t sleep well. When we did move the baby to his crib I would wake up completely panicked that I had lost him in the bed. This went on every night for months.
The worry and anxiety will be there whether I write about it or not. As much as I dont want to think about it, I also want to take those experiences and learn from them.
It’s easier to focus on the sweetness of a newborn. The overwhelming love that made me want to just sit and stare for hours at my little miracle. Remembering the little hands, toes, and gummy milk drunk smiles help lift my spirits and bring me back to joy.
I want to appreciate the good and get through the bad with grace and understanding that this too shall pass.
Because it all passes and so quickly. I see this in my 15 month old. Every day he is growing, learning. He’s walking but he still crawls occasionally and one day he won’t crawl anymore.
Staying positive is easier said than done though. This time around my husband will be home with me so I won’t feel isolated (and hopefully won’t feel lonely). And if I do feel the anxiety I can leave the kids with him and go for a walk. I’ll have that space to breathe.
I’m starting to feel a little scared and I just don’t want to feed my fears with all sorts of what ifs. I just want to feel joy and anticipation because soon there is going to be so much more love in our home and that is something to get excited about.