I found it. Our dream home. It’s in the right neighbourhood, the right size, the right price. That’s a screenshot from the listing – I am so in love with it. It’s perfect.
The only problem is we are not currently the perfect family for this perfect home and my husband is quick to remind me of this.
My husband first talked of separating last summer. I was shocked. I knew things weren’t good – I”m not an idiot – but I didn’t think they were that bad. My mind never went there. It was just never a possibility for me. I just always figured things would get better for us once the kids were more independent (they are now 1 and 3). That this rough patch (ok, very long rough patch) would eventually smooth itself out.
We’ve decided to start counselling because no matter how much we talk, no matter how much we try, our efforts are just not working. He thinks I don’t love him and I don’t know what else I can do to prove to him that I do (yes, we’ve read the 5 love languages). So we’re hoping that a third party can help us break this cycle and figure out a way to make it work.
I want this home but my husband doesn’t think it’s a good idea to buy a new home when we ‘don’t know where we’ll be’.
I feel like he has one foot out the door and some days I think, if you’re really so unhappy (and he is he mopes around the house staring off into space 90% of the time) then go be happy. Do what makes you happy. If you think leaving, if you think us not being together is the answer, then do it.
But I still want this home. With our without him.
It’s the home I imagined our kids growing up in.
I imagine making breakfast while they play in the playroom next to kitchen. I imagine bringing laundry down the winding staircase and into the main floor laundry room. I imagine making dinner while watching them play in the backyard – or better yet – sitting out in the backyard with a glass of wine watching them run around while my husband makes dinner. I imagine reading books – cuddled up in front of the fireplace in the winter, out on the front porch in the summer.
Most importantly, I really can imagine us together as husband and wife in this home. I can imagine us entertaining in the open concept kitchen. I can imagine kissing him while sitting on the island that separates the kitchen from the dining room. I can imagine him coming home from work to me working from home on my computer and the two of us enjoying a quiet moment together before we pick the kids up from daycare.
I can imagine our family there. I can imagine the love and laughter that would fill that home.
Maybe I can only imagine.