Saturday Morning

My husband has been wanting to help out  more in the sleep department.  For this I am both grateful and annoyed.

Grateful because I need the sleep and I want to feel like we are a team in this whole parentingthing.  My daughter will be one next week (WHAT?!) and has slept through the night maaaaybe 10 times in her life and it has always been me to go to her.  I have only ever been the one to put her down for both naps and bed time.

My husband helped out a lot more in this area with our son.  He often did his night time routine (and still does today which is why I do our daughters, they go to bed at the same time) and he stayed home with him for about a year when he was a year old, so he put him down for naps a lot.

When it comes to our daughter I’m quite protective.  I know that I can sometimes have the attitude that no one can tend to her as well as I can.  Which may or may not be true, that’s really besides the point.  It’s more about the relationship my husband has with her.  He never bonded and only now it’s just forming.  He didn’t spend much time with her and it shows because she’s not that comfortable with him.

I hate it.

And because of that I”m extra protective.  I feel like I need to give her extra love and attention.

So even though I’m grateful that my husband wants to help out, I feel like it’s kind of too late.

This morning she wakes up at 5 and I go in to nurse her down but she won’t go back to sleep.  So I go get my husband from downstairs (he’s already up) and ask him to try (as we agreed that he would).  He goes in and she completely loses her mind.  Instead of rocking her he just puts her back in her crib.  I go to him and ask if he wants me to try again and he gets snippy with me and tells me he’s letting her blow off steam and that I should go back to sleep.

I can’t sleep when my baby is in hysterics.

I hear her screaming louder and louder, at this point I’m sure she’s going to wake up our son so I go in and tell him, it’s OK, I’ll calm her down. He walks past me in a huff and I pick up our daughter and try to calm her.  I do, but she is all wigged out and so the day begins.

I hand her over to my husband, who is obviously annoyed, and I go back to bed.  I kind of doze in and out and get up at 9 to the sound of her screaming in her crib. He tried to put her down for a nap.  I ask him if I should go in and he says, ‘I need to be able to put her down for naps’.

And I agree, but isn’t it a little late?

And he didn’t get her down.  She was screaming.

I sat in the living room with my son watching tv (which in my annoyed head I think ‘he’s probably been watching tv all morning’) drinking my coffee trying to ignore our screaming baby.  I finally said, forget this, and I went in and got her to sleep.

She’s sleeping now.  My son is watching shows and my husband is grumpy.  I am filled with so much negativity and I am trying to see the positive here.

I know I need to back off a little and give him more chances.

I know I need to trust that she’ll be ok with anyone other than me.

I know I need to give him a break because he is trying.

We have a fun day planned and I don’t want it ruined by this gloomy start.  Hopefully writing this all out, getting it out of my head will help me keep a positive attitude.  That and a shower.  Showers always help, even if it’s just a little.



Focusing on the Good

I did yoga.  I meditated. I still don’t feel any better.  This is rare but sometimes when the feelings are big and taking over my whole body and mind, it’s just not enough.

But I’m not giving up!

So here I am, writing again because that too helps me deal with my shit.

Sometimes it really helpful for me to vent.  It does help to write about about all the crappy stuff – my anger and stress, my marriage issues and so on.  But you know, there’s a lot of really great stuff in my life right now and in an attempt to shift my energy, I”m going to tell you about it all.

  1. I’m on maternity leave.  I’ve been off work for over a year now and I am going to be off for another 4 months still.  I have been able to spend so much time with my daughter.  I’ve done yoga every day.  I stay in sweatpants almost all day and am ok with that.  Super comfy!
  2. I have a great job that I get to go back to.  My boss is super chill – I consider him a friend – and I genuinely enjoy the work I do.  Plus I make a lot of money, which I am looking forward to seeing again in the near future.
  3. My son, who is almost 3, is so cool right now.  We had a rough daycare drop off this morning but most days are not like that.  He’s so smart, funny, attentive, and he has such a big personality.  I am so lucky that I get to be his mom and every day I want to be better for him.  I love him so much.
  4. My baby girl, who is almost 1, is also very cool.  And she too has a big personality and I love it.  She’s extremely sensitive and she loves to laugh.  That is one thing that has been apparent right from the beginning  – she has so much joy in her.  My baby is quickly becoming a little girl and while it’s a little bittersweet it’s mostly sweet.  Just thinking of her makes me so happy.  I don’t know what I would do without her.
  5. We had our bathrooms renovated about three months ago and I am still sooooo happy with the results and enjoying them.
  6. We have a new oven arriving soon.  Looking forward to being able to bake again!
  7. My husband and I are doing better.  This one is complicated so I’m going to try to keep it positive but we are spending more quality time together and really trying to make our marriage a priority.  So that’s good.
  8. I have wonderful friends who I don’t see nearly enough but understand.  Two of my friends in particular are always there for me and I can be completely honest and open with them which is so refreshing.
  9. The Bachelor is back!
  10. My hair is super long – probably the longest it’s ever been – and it feels wonderful.  I can’t wait to chop it all off again haha but until that day I am enjoying french braids and top knots.
  11. I’m drinking delicious coffee out of my favourite cup right now.
  12. Just looked out the window and giant snowflakes are falling from the sky onto the big evergreen tree in our backyard.  Winter can be so beautiful.

I feel better.  I need to do this more often.

Feeling Off

I feel like things are falling apart a little bit, again.  My daughter, who is nearly one, fights every sleep these days.  It’s to the point where she’s basically down to one nap even though she’s tired enough for two.

Babies sleep stresses me out more than anything.  It doesn’t just stress me out, it makes me angry.  She’s crying right now, it’s 9:50 am and she’s been up since 5:45.  She’s tired. But the thing is, if she doesn’t nap she’s fine.  She’s still happy.  So I’m not sure why it makes me so angry.

In fact, a lot of things have been making me angry lately.  I’m really trying to get it in check but it’s there lingering in my stomach, my neck, my breath, my patience.

I need a vacation but I’m far too anxious to leave my babies.

I learned last week that I have parental separation anxiety.  My daughter is one and I have left her 5 times.  FIVE TIMES IN A WHOLE YEAR.  This is not normal.  I don’t feel normal.

That aside, I’ve been feeling so off.  So tired, like in my bones tired.  So emotional.  So angry.  Could be the weather, it’s so cold out and we’ve been very cooped up.  Could be my hormones, i’m not nursing her as much these days and maybe that can affect my mood – I don’t remember feeling this when I weaned my son though.

Could I be pregnant?

My husbands vasectomy is scheduled for February 1st so wouldn’t that be something?

I think she finally fell asleep.  It’s now 10:05 and I’m going to do yoga and meditate.  See if I can shake this funk.

If I Was Fearless

If I was fearless I would…

Take the kids to Costa Rica in March. My husband’s sister and husband invited us to go on an adventure with them. They have 2 kids too (ages 2 and 4) and when they first mentioned it I was so excited.  I’ve been twice and it’s pretty  much my favourite place in the world – so far.  And then my husband and I got to really talking about it and decided that for several reasons (crazy day of traveling to get there would be super stressful, my husband has limited vacay and doesn’t want to use all of his days, the sleep situation at the AirBnb wouldn’t be ideal with a 1 year old and a 3 year old, with me taking 4 months of unpaid leave and us saving up for a home it’s not the right time to be spending that kind of money) we can’t.  My husband wasn’t excited about the idea in the first place and my fears held me back from convincing him.

If I was fearless I would…

Move to a small town. I know that one sounds weird – I mean, how adventurous is that!? But I”m from a small town and living in a city is just not my thing, even though I’ve been here (on and off) for 15 years.  I would love for my kids to grow up in a small town.  But the town we want to go to has no jobs.  My husband and I both make really good money and it’s just too hard to walk away from good pay and job security.

If I was fearless I would…

Become an entrepreneur.  I imagine I would have not one main business but a couple of streams of income.  I’d still do what I do now, only with the freedom to work where ever I want.  I’d work as a digital communications consultant, I’d take on contract work, and I’d teach yoga (including leading retreats).  I get excited thinking about this one.  This will happen one day. I have almost 10 years experience in my field, but for some reason I feel like I’d need more.

If I was fearless I would…

Do new things more often.  I don’t know if this one is actually less a ‘fearless’ thing than a lazy thing.  It’s probably a lazy thing.  Though doing some new things scares me a little.  It’s silly things too – like going swimming at the local community centre.  I’m not afraid to swim, it’s the experience.  Not sure if that makes any sense.

What would you do if you were fearless?

Ramblings on a Thursday

I’m sitting here looking out the window at the snow snow so much snow coming down with no clear idea of what to write.  All I know is I feel like writing.

My baby girl is napping, finally.  She’s been fighting her second nap for more than a week now and today was the first day that she’s actually doing two.  Please please please let this help her night sleep.

So yeah, it’s 3:44 and I am sitting in a bit of stress.  So I poured myself a glass of wine.  Wine seems to be my go to these days for beating the stress.  Not good, I know.  But a bottle of wine lasts me a week, so I’m ok with that.  When I was living in Japan I was drinking a bottle of wine a night.  I think I had a bit of a problem then.  But I didn’t care, I was enjoying myself and when I came back home I was more mindful of my drinking.

Really didn’t mean for this post to turn into one about drinking.  I could actually create a whole other blog devoted solely to my past and present relationship with alcohol.

I do feel like I’m in a healthy place now, and that’s what matters.

I’m also doing a lot of things at the moment to keep me healthy – in both mind and body.  I’ve been doing yoga every day with the 30 day yoga with Adrienne challenge on YouTube.  So far it’s pretty good.  I’m just glad to get back to my practice.  And I’ve been meditating most evenings.

I really felt like I needed to up the self care after the Christmas break.  You see, it was pretty awful.  I don’t remember if I wrote about it but my son, who is almost 3, has been extremely difficult and it’s been hard for me and my husband.  Hard is an understatement.  My stress/anger/sadness/all things bad levels maxed out over the break.

So I’m working on balancing that all out now that my son is back in daycare and – don’t ask me how – super happy again.

I can’t help but feel like we’re going something wrong.

And there is is..good old guilt.  I know I can’t blame myself because I really do try everything with him and most days I am incredibly attentive and patient and understanding with him but it takes every bit of my energy to help him dodge meltdown after meltdown.

Aaaaand my baby girl is up.  That was a nice 23 minute nap.

What is going on with my children these days!!????

New Years Intentions

Happy new year!  I like new years,  though now that I am a mom of two young kids, the big eve is not what it used to be. What used to be a night of partying is now a quiet night at home reflecting.  Once the kids were in bed, I swept the floor (for the 20th time that day), I put away all of their toys and changed into something a little more comfortable.  (Not that my yoga pants and tshirt weren’t comfortable.)  I enjoyed a glass of wine and the quiet that surrounded me and then my husband and I stayed up ‘late’ watching the new Dave Chappelle special on Netflix (which was terribly disappointing).

And now here we are…new years day.

I have to say so far it has been pretty terrible.  My son…oh my god that boy.  He’s nearly 3 and is just so difficult.  From the moment he wakes up it’s work.  This morning in particular.  Every little thing is a meltdown.  Toys thrown.  Milk purposefully poured on the floor.  The hitting.  The biting.  It’s out of control.  He’s out of control.  And I don’t know what to do.

So yeah, not the most positive start to the day.  To the year.

BUT he’s out with his dad now and the baby is napping so I’m enjoying a little peace and quiet.  I’m having a coffee thinking about this past year and the year ahead.

This past year was pretty special.  My baby girl was born at the end of January and she, my friends, is a game changer.  She has made everything in my life better.  I feel like I know her, like down to her soul.  Like I’ve always known her.  Her first year has gone by so fast and I already feel myself mourning the baby phase, which is just crazy because as amazing as she is, I’m really fucking tired.

It’s been a challenging year, but one filled with so much joy.  Having both my son and my daughter home with me over the summer was pretty special. He was happy and napping and we had an awesome routine.  I was tired but so fulfilled.  God I love my babies so much.

As for 2018, this is going to be a year of SLEEEEEP.  I can’t wait to catch up.  Lame, I know, but I am in serious need.

In all seriousness though, I do like to make a plan for the year ahead.  Not so much resolutions as intentions.  And my intentions fall into 4 categories – home, love, wellness and family.  So without further ado, here are my new years intentions:

Home: Simplify.  Environmentally conscious.

I want to continue to declutter.  Give a lot of stuff away.  Stop buying things.  I am taking 4 months off work with no pay so my husband and I have decided to stick to a pretty lean budget.   I also want to start using our compost.  Continue to buy/use environmentally friendly cleaning products and just be mindful of how much waste we accumulate.

Love: Prioritize.  Rekindle.

My husband and I have been talking a lot about how we need to put our marriage first.  Even before the kids.  So we’re going to do that.  We’re also going to work at just getting back to us as a couple.  I’m hoping that includes us sleeping in the same bed again, but as I said at the beginning of all this, sleep really does come first – so if us sharing a bed means we’re keeping each other up then maybe we’ll have to just wait until our sleep tanks are fuller.

Wellness:  Nurture.  Loving kindness.

I am in rough shape and have been pretty  much all year.  The stress of the year has manifested in my body and I want to do a better job of taking care of my self this year.  I want to nurture both my body and soul with good whole food, less meat, massages, and acupuncture.  I want to be kind to myself and do things that get me back in touch with who I am as a woman, not just as a mother.

Family: Joy. Gratitude.

So much work to be done here.  I know my son is just going through a phase (that seems never ending) but even with all that there still exists so much joy.  You are only as happy as your unhappiest child – and so it’s hard when he’s so miserable.  But it’s not like this all the time and I want to focus on the positive.  Continue to do the work to bring him around, to calm him and comfort him when he’s having a difficult time.  And continue to be grateful.  So much to be grateful for!  I’m sure that every age comes with it’s own challenges and I want to try to make it through this challenging one with as much ease, grace, and gratitude as I can muster.

I wish you all a very happy new year!!



Looks Like a Mess to Me

The other day my son, who is almost 3, was making a mess in the living room.  He took the cushions off the couch and moved them to the other side of the room.   He pushed his little table and chairs to the centre of the room.  His toys were everywhere.

Looking around I said to him, what are you doing!? you’re making a mess!

He said, no mom, I’m making a supernova.

…Well, OK then.