Lost

I think I have forgotten who I am.  Motherhood has claimed me, changed me, lost me.

All the things I used to love, used to be are lost to me. I’m trying to find them.  Music, movement, laughter, adventures, carefree, awake.

My children are my everything.  That love is like no other.  Their laughter brings me so much joy.  Seeing them play together feeds my soul.  They are the most precious, special, wonderful people I have ever known.

I live for them right now.  I do not have a life right now outside of them.

Sometimes I think that’s OK.  My daughter is 9 months, my son nearly 3 years. They are changing so fast and I feel so present with them.

Sometimes I think it’s not OK.  Nights when I put them down to sleep and I feel so tired.  Tired of my sons demands.  Tired of sweeping the floor 14 times a day because my daughter puts everything in her mouth.  Tired of having to protect my daughter from her brother. Tired of my sons constant need of attention. Tired of feeling overwhelmed at least once every day.  Tired of worrying.  Tired of giving.

It’s nights like this that I feel lost.  That I have lost that place that I knew I could always go back to when things were tough.  It’s still in me, I know it is.  Motherhood is just too big right now.

Advertisements

Soon

Soon my nine month old daughter will sleep through the night and I will be able to function at a high capactity. Right now I will continue to go to her and comfort her and when she wakes far too early I will drink a lot of coffee.

Soon I will miss cuddling my baby as she, like her brother, will not want to sit nestled in my arms for much longer as there is a big world to explore. Right now I will hold her, when she lets me, and take in every perfect feature of her beautiful face.

Soon I will be back at work with both my babes in daycare and there will be many days where I miss them tremendously, all while enjoying my freedom.  Right now I will enjoy this time I have with my babies and be grateful that I don’t have to go anywhere if I don’t want to.

Soon my son will be three and every day that passes I can see him becoming more a little boy and less a baby.  Right now I will remember that becoming a boy is hard and he needs me to set limits and love him and be patient with him.

Soon my daughter will be walking and talking and I will feel that pang in my heart that I feel right now when I look at my growing boy.  Right now I will be here right now.

 

Not the Best Day

I felt like I was a bit of a shitty mom today.

Let me start with a bit of context/compassion for myself.  So first off, I’m sick.  I have a nasty cold that has been lingering for over a week now.  And to top it off, my 9 month old daughter who also has a cold and is teething is not sleeping, which means I’m not sleeping.  My day started at 6:30 but I was up at 10 and 12:30 and 2 and then from 3:30 – 5:30.

I look out the window and there is a crazy storm outside.  Wind blowing.  Rain falling.  Just miserable day.  The kind of day that makes you just want to stay in bed.  But I have a toddler and a baby so that’s just not possible.

We got up and did our regular morning routine – all is well except my son was being his usual toddler self and demanding five times over for milk, juice, dad, grandpa (really?), and blankets.  It’s all good.  I was in a yes kind of mood and I knew daycare drop off was soon.

I bundled the kids up and walked with them in the cold rain the 6 minutes down the street.  I had my son in the stroller and my daughter in the ergo.  I couldn’t use my umbrella because the wind just blew it inside out.  And I forgot my hat.

I get there, cold, wet and so looking forward to crawling back into bed once I got home and put my daughter down for a nap.

But the lights were all out.

I was greeted by one of the teachers who informed me that the centre was closed due to a power outage and flood in the basement.

OK. I’ll be honest I was a little pissed that they didn’t contact me earlier, but what can I do?

We walked back and I started mentally preparing myself for the day.

I already sound like a shitty mom.  I should be happy to spend the day with my son.  He’s super fun and adorable and I love him so much.

And the morning was actually great, as most mornings are.  Renovations are still happening over here, but they were pretty quiet today so no biggie. He watched a bit of tv while his sister napped and then when she woke up we baked some cookies.  We put on music and shook our bodies.  We read books and cuddled.

Things started to fall apart after lunch, as they do, when he started to get tired.  He refuses to nap at home now.  I don’t know why.  I hate it.  He’s exhausted and he gets frantic and pretty unbearable.  I tried to get him to nap but it just made me angry.  He literally bounces off the walls in his room.

At 1:30, after I got my daughter down for her second nap I went and got my son and I pretty much let him watch tv all afternoon.  I know for some people it’s not a big deal, but I hate it.  I wanted to be spending quality time with him but he was being incredibly unreasonable – throwing things, hurting his sister, getting frustrated with his toys – that I didn’t know what else to do except yell in my head THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO NAP.

I was still interacting with him with the tv on, he was happy, and I was able to tend to my daughter so I really ought to give myself a break.

Ugh anyways, things got worse as dinner time approached.  He was totally crazy by the time my husband got home and I felt really shitty.  I felt like I should have done more. I should know how to keep him calm.  I want my husband to come home to a happy, calm house.

So yeah, not feeling so great today.  I know I need to just let it go, do some yoga, meditate, and focus on things for which I am grateful. Which is what I”m going to do right now.

 

How I Plan to Be a More Positive Person

I believe the energy that we put out there is the energy that we attract.  Be it good or bad.  The more I find myself fixated on negative emotions, memories, and events the less happy and energetic I feel. The more I complain the more I find I have to complain about.  And I’ve been doing an awful lot of that and it needs to stop.

I want to take more responsibility for my feelings and thoughts and stop blaming people (ahem my husband) for my unhappiness.

So here are three things I’m going to do to help me become a more positive person:

Meditate. I find meditation is one way to help me stay positive.  It helps me to be more mindful of my thoughts. I was meditating regularly again for the last month, but haven’t this week because I would usually do it during my daughters morning nap and with the renovations going on that just hasn’t been possible.  My new routine is going to be to sit in silence for 10 minutes right after the kids are in bed.

Be grateful. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to start counting these blessing every day.  I used to do this every morning before I started my day, but I don’t have the space first thing as the kids tend wake me up and we are up and at them.  So my new routine is going to be to write down three things I am grateful for and I will do this right after I’m done meditating.

Kiss my husband.  I know that one sounds weird and it seems weird to have to remember to show affection to a loved one, but if you read my last post you will see I haven’t been holding a lot of love in my heart for my husband lately.  We are so busy with the kids that we can often go days without showing even the most simple affection towards one another.  So every day when he gets home from work I’m going to kiss him.

That’s it.  I’m going to do these three things every day for a week and see if it helps to shift my negative mindset to a more positive one.

It Shouldn’t Be Like This

I’m exhausted. My nine month old has been up so much in the night, our renos are still going on, baby girl can’t nap because of the noise, and I can’t relax because, well, renos.

I’m also pushing down some saddness and anger and am going to talk about that here. Because well, that’s the whole point of this little blog of mine.  I’d love to share more of the happy feels and thoughts – and there are so many and I honestly am a positive and grateful person in ‘real life’ – but I need to get out the not so great stuff.

Let me begin by saying, I hate weekends.  Our 2.5 year old doesn’t nap and he gets a bit manic around 2pm every Saturday and Sunday.  We’ve tried laying down with him, setting up a ‘quiet time’ area in the house, tuckering him out in the morning – he just is not having it.  Naps great at daycare.  Super annoying.

Anyways..

All that to say he’s a handful.

And his dad seems to trigger his tantrums.  We were having a great time – we as in me and the kids – and then my husband comes into the living room and my son wants to play with him.  My husband is tired and irritable and doesn’t want to play.  Son reacts badly to this.  Tantrums ensue.

Repeat every fucking weekend.

So really, the problem in my  mind isn’t our son, it’s my husband.  He’s burnt out and needs a break, I know.  I get it.  So I tell him, take a break.  Do what you need to do.  We’ll be fine – maybe even better off – if you just go away for the weekend.

Last weekend was especially upsetting.

After my daughter woke up from her morning nap we all headed out to a pumpkin patch.  I got the kids dressed, I made a picnic lunch, I got everything we needed together all while my husband sat downstairs on his computer.  I by the way am running off about 3 hours sleep because I was up all night with the baby.  My husband stayed up till midnight then went to sleep in the basement with the fan on to block out any noise and woke up at 8 am.

We drive the 20 minutes to the pumpkin patch and as soon as we get there his mood shifts.  He’s snapping at me.  Putting his head in his hands.  Not interacting with the kids.  So I say, ‘what’s going on, are you ok?’ and he says ‘I’m fine’.  And I say ‘you’re obviously not fine, this is supposed to be fun, the kids are happy, it’s a beautiful day’.  And he says ‘this isn’t fun for me’.

I almost started crying.

I want to cry right now.

So we left.  I spent the rest of the weekend with the kids while my husband moped around the house.

I want to be a more compassionate wife.  I want to be there for him and give him what he needs.  I do.  But there’s a lot that I need too.  I need him to be part of this family.  I need him to be grateful for our life that we built together because it’s pretty great.  I need him to stop getting up at 4am on weekdays to go to the gym so that he has energy at the end of the day to be with his kids.  I want a partner who is happy.  Who can see that this season of our lives is more than just work.  They are so little right now and so amazing and he’s missing it.  He’s fucking missing it.

And I miss him.  These days I only see glimpses of the man I married – the sexy, crazy smart, loyal, funny man.

I’m left with a warn out, cranky husband who complains all the time.

It just makes me so sad.

Our Renos are Triggering my Post Partum Anxiety

So we’re having all three bathrooms in our house renovated.  It started yesterday and let me say, babies and renos do not mix.

I feel so stressed out.

It’s the mess, the disruption, the crew in the house, and the noise.  Oh my god the noise.  I know I should just go out, but I can’t walk for three hours a day in order to get the baby to nap.  I am way to tired for that shit.  Plus, I’m getting sick.

So right now my 9 month old is napping in a pack and play that I set up in the basement.  I have a fan and white noise going on down there but every clunk, bang, and drilling noise makes my heart leap into my throat.

I feel so much anxiety right now.

She’s napping.  She’s fine.  And you know, even if she wakes up, it’s ok.  She’s such a chill baby that she’ll be ok.

I think my anxiety is coming back in general.  I feel anxious so much these days.

My midwife warned me that post partum anxiety and depression can hit in the later months.  I thought I had avoided it this time around because I felt so amazing and different after my daughter was born (from how I felt after my son I mean).  But I’m not feeling ok lately.  And these renos are not helping.

I’m super excited for the end product and I know that we did this to ourselves and we’ll just have to get through it because it will all be worth it in the end.  I just need to survive the next few weeks.

To My Son and Daughter

I have a son and a daughter and my relationship with each of them is already different.  Not that I treat them differently, I mean I do because of their ages obviously, but I don’t treat my son one way because he’s a boy and my daughter another because she’s a girl.

But there is something different about the son/mother and daughter/mother relationships.

I want strong relationships with both of my children and I feel that as they get older the relationships will develop naturally.  These are some things that come to mind when I think of the people I want my children to be and the person that I will be to them.  This is not to say that I only want my son to have respect – I want my daughter to as well obviously – but these are just things that come to mind.

For my son…I want to always play with you.  I want us to have a fun relationship.  You have so much energy and life in you I want to always nurture that.  I want you to grow up to have respect – for yourself, for women, for your elders.  I want you to be compassionate person.  How to teach you this, I’m not sure, but I am going to just try to lead by example. I want you to always be able to talk about what is going on with you.  Whether it be with your dad or with me or a teacher or whoever.  Don’t hold your feelings inside. Whatever you go through in life we will be there for you.

For my daughter…this is a bit harder right now because you’re only 8.5 months old and your personality is only just starting to shine.  But shine you do. Don’t lose that light.  I wish for you to be brave, to take chances in life and trust your intuition. A woman’s intuition is strong but you have to be in tune.  Experiment and have fun, but stay true to who you are.  Take the time to find out who you are.  Spend time alone. Surround yourself with people who inspire and believe in you.  I love the way you look at me, we have had a strong connection since the day you were born and I hope that you will always look at me with so much love.

And I wish for these two to be friends.  It’s been a rocky start, but to be expected with a toddler and baby.  I can’t wait for the day that they play and laugh together.  It’s close.. 🙂