Emotions Spilling Over

Yesterday I was feeling stressed all day.  I felt it from the moment my son woke me up at 5:40 that morning. And it lingered all day.  I fought it, hard, and I thought I was winning.

And then my husband set me off.

I had turned the oven on to make dinner and opened it to find a baking sheet already in there.  I asked him if we could stop leaving them in there because I always forget to check and he said ‘I’ll make you a deal, I’ll stop if you stop leaving food in the sink’.

This made me so angry for a few reasons.

  1. He says ‘I’ll make  you a deal’ to our 3 year old.
  2. I’m not the only one who leaves food in the sink.  We have those food catchers and any time you clean any plate food gets caught in it.  It’s just something that happens.  It’s like blaming me for the fact that the floor needs to be swept.
  3. Why did it have to be turned around to something that I do? Why couldn’t he just say, ‘sure’.

I seriously don’t even know what’s normal anymore in a relationship.  Are these kind of negotiations normal?  Or am I being irrational?

If I was nagging him all the  time about shit like this I could maybe see why he would react that way.  But I don’t – and it’s because I try to avoid these kinds of reactions from him.

I’m having a hard time understanding my emotional reaction to this. I’ve obviously got some shit going on because I shouldn’t feel this angry/sad over such a small thing.  I guess it goes to show how much has been building.  How much lack of sleep impairs my emotions.  How much my husband and I need to stay in counselling.

My thoughts today have been so negative.  I keep thinking of all the things he says and does that hurt or upset me.  I’m doing this home study marriage self help thing and I’m supposed to list all the reasons why I married him but all that comes to mind are all the red flags that should have been warnings to walk away.

But I did marry him, despite all of that.

I need to shake this mood off.  Stop the negative thinking.  Tap into gratitude and remember why I married him.  Remember why I want this to work.  Why my marriage is important.

I need to let it go.

I think?  Seriously, though, am I being crazy irrational or was his reaction uncalled for?

 

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Thoughts of Going Back to Work

At the end of my one year maternity leave with my son I was ready to go back to work.  It was a difficult year and I was longing for my autonomy.  (My son would only nap on me which left me no breaks in the day and I was seriously touched out).  Even though my work circumstances were not ideal (my job, which I had created and had asked the VP to make permanent was given to my maternity leave replacement – fucked up, I know..), I was ready to return.

This time around, not so much.

I’ve now been off work for one year and three months with the intention to not return for another seven weeks.

However, a new job posting has been brought to my attention that I simply can’t pass up.  It’s the same position that I had created in the past, only reporting to a different VP.  When I read the description I got excited butterflies in my stomach – a feeling I don’t ever ignore.

So this week I’ve been tweaking my resume and thinking about the possibility of changing roles.  Of all the pros and cons, differences and changes, the one that stands out to me the most is that I would have to go back to work earlier than intended – at the beginning of May as opposed to June.

That’s only three weeks away.

So I haven’t even applied yet let alone been awarded the position (and I may not even get it) but already I am stressing out about this.

But as excited as I am about this position and as confident as I am that if things worked out we’d find a way to make it work (I could maybe even negotiate a later start date), I can’t stop thinking about how I don’t even want to go back to work.

Like, at all.

As in, leave my career and really good salary (plus pension) to stay home.

That doesn’t feel right either.

I feel so sad – no, sad isn’t even the right word – I feel something really strong and not good about leaving her.  And this is new, because like I said, I didn’t feel this with my son.

Mind you, when I went back to work at 12 months my husband then stayed home with him for about 8 months.

I know I need to go back to work.  I get a lot of personal fulfillment out of the work I do and I genuinely like what I do.  I want to advance my career.  Plus, I miss the money.

I know she’ll be fine.  In fact, she may even flourish in the daycare setting.  My son does.  Besides, there really isn’t any sense getting upset over it now – I know this so I’m going to try to just focus on enjoying my remaining time with her.  And apply for that job.  I think I would really regret it if I didn’t.

Naptime Thoughts

My baby girl is having her nap right  now and I am trying to use this time for self care.  Her naps lately have been a solid two hours, which is pretty amazing, so it gives me a lot of time to do stuff.  Or not do stuff.

As soon as I put her down I took a bath with some creamy Lush bath oils.  I brought a big glass of water in with me and spend 30 minutes soaking and reading.  I’m now having a coffee and thinking way too much.

I’m thinking about my friendships.  I have five women in my life right now who know me extremely well and that I trust.  I have different relationships with each of them and at times I’m uncomfortable with how much some of them know about my current situation (my marriage troubles).  The thing is they love me and support me and two of them don’t know my husband well so I find myself either filtering what I say so that I don’t paint a one sided picture of him as the bad guy – because he’s so not – or I find myself defending him when they offer words of support.  So I’ve decided to just be more mindful of what I say and don’t say.  I feel here, because I’ve kept this blog anonymous, I can be completely forthright in how I feel and what’s going on from my perspective, but even here I filter because I also don’t want my thoughts to only flow on a negative wave.  But I also have to vent.  So yeah, all that to say I’m kind of having a hard time finding a balance.

I’m thinking about my marriage.  Always these days.  Counselling is working, I think.  We are talking more and in a more productive way, I think.  Well, this week.  We also had really really fucking amazing sex the other day.  I felt a real emotional connection which I hadn’t felt in a while.  That was obviously a problem.  So yay to that.

I’m thinking about my son.  He’s three and I worry about him all the time.  I’ve worried about this child since the moment he was born.  Right now, and for the last month or more, he’s been rubbing his eyebrows.  He started doing it after he got really sick with a fever.  He’s told me rubbing it helps his breathing – so not sure what that means.  I took him to the doctor about a month ago to have him checked out and she said he was fine.  But I worry.  I don’t know what it could be though.  Sinus headache?

I’m thinking about my mental health.  I want to do more, use this down time to truly rest and unwind, but I’m finding it hard.  I know I need to do more yoga and meditation as that’s what grounds and centres me, but I’m finding it hard to get on my mat for some reason.  I used to have a very sold home practice, but I think what I need right now is to get out to classes.  Get out of the house.  Do something outside of this environment which I’m in every day and do something just for me.

I’m thinking about my job.  A new opportunity has presented itself and I know I”m going to go for it, but if I get it (which I’m confident I will) it will mean some big changes.  It will mean me going back to work in three weeks as opposed to seven.  (Holy shit – I didn’t even realize that my extended mat leave will come to an end in only seven short weeks….).  It will mean going back to a more stressful environment – more responsibility, new boss, probably less flexibility.  And for the same pay.  But it’s a step up in my career.  When I saw the listing I got little flutters in my stomach, I got excited about something for the first time in a while.  So that’s something.  I know the work would be interesting.  I would learn so much.  I’m going to apply and then decide when the time comes – maybe I wouldn’t even get the job.

Now I’m thinking about my baby girl.  She’s 14 months old and I had extended my maternity leave to be home with her until she was 16 months old, but have been considering extending it until she’s 18 months.  I love being home with her.  She brings me so much joy and I love our routine.  The thought of going back in only three weeks brings tears to my eyes.  I just need to be as present as I can and enjoy this time.  I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to be home for as long as I have been.

On that note, I probably have about another 45 minutes of downtime so I’m going to get off my computer and read a little more.  Maybe do some yoga and meditate.  Probably not.

Our Second Marriage Counselling Session

Last night we had our second marriage counselling session.   Here are the things that stand out for me:

  1. I need to stop looking for reassurance from my husband about our future.  I need to instead focus on the present and work on strengthening our relationship right now.
  2. He brought up stuff that happened when I moved back to Canada after living in Japan.  We moved in together and he said he went through a depression.  I didn’t even know.
  3. My husband will feel better about us (and perhaps less guilty) if I take more time to myself to do the things that make me happy.
  4. He’s still holding onto a lot of resentment towards me for things I did (or didn’t do) after our son was born.  Ugh.
  5. My husband feels weird kissing me right now.  He says it feels unnatural and forced.  Hugs are ok.

For the last one I’m like, seriously? What the fuck. Only two months ago he was complaining that we weren’t having sex enough and now he doesn’t want to kiss me.  I don’t get it.

These sessions are pretty heavy.  I still feel like she sides with me quite a bit, maybe not.  I do feel validated on a lot of stuff though, so that feels good.

Not sure we’ll see her again though because the next opening is one month away and I’m just not sure how useful it is to only go once a month.  Better than nothing? Better than starting fresh with someone else?

My husband thinks that if we work on getting on the same page with some parenting issues we’re having that it will help to reduce stress and strain on our relationship.  And I agree. So we’re going to talk about that this weekend.

This whole thing makes me feel so tired.

 

Finding Calm

I just deleted an entire post to begin again.  I need a reset.  A reprogramming of this negative mindset.  It was a challenging day followed by an exhausting weekend followed by a difficult week. But in between there were moments of joy.  Small victories.  Slivers of hope.

I’m in the trenches right now.  My little ones are one and three and my life is not mine at the moment.  How do people do it? They must have support.  Grandparents, reliable relatives, a tribe.

I think so many times in a day- it shouldn’t be this hard.  Should it? I don’t know. I don’t have a benchmark.  I just know how I feel.

For right now I”m just going to focus on the present moment.  Kids are asleep.  My lemon ginger tea lingers on my tongue, warming my throat and belly. Silence surrounds me.

I inhale, feel my chest rise.  I exhale, feel my chest fall.

Again.

Inhale one, two, three, four. Pause. Exhale one, two, three, four, five, six.

Again.

Again.

The breath is so powerful.  My eyes are heavy and I feel, almost, relaxed.  I long to do yoga and meditate but my bed and book call to me.

 

Memories from a Lifetime Ago

I’m sitting in a hotel room right now with the most wonderful view.  Twentieth floor, sun setting over high rises. I’m in a housecoat after having gone for a swim in the pool, then showered, then room service.  I have a glass of champagne (no expenses spared) on the table next to me and I’m reminded of a time a long time ago.

Before I became this new person – a mom to two small children – I travelled a lot.  At one point in my life I lived in Japan.

Living in Japan I was pretty out of my element.  It was a completely new life I stepped boldly into and as much as I loved the experience, it was also a difficult time in my life.  I was 24, I had just finished my post grad.  I decided to go on a whim – I left a serious relationship behind (though I now call that man my husband), and for the first time in my life I had no game plan.

At one point, I think it was about 8 or 9 month in , I was feeling overwhelmed by work, burnt out from all nighters in Roppongi, and frustrated with the never ending culture differences.

So I got away for three days. I found a cheap flight to Guam (of all places) and was off.

I befriended an Elvis impersonator who loved his mamma and went to an all night beach party with a bartender I met.  But mostly I spent days alone on the beach, by the pool, in my room staring out the window, much like I’m doing now.

I was at such peace.  Much like I am now.

Motherhood is nothing like anything else I have experienced before.  The love I feel for these two incredible people is overwhelming at times, it fills me up to the point where I can’t see anything else but them. There is so much to it, I can’t even begin to go into it right now.  All I can say is leading up to this moment I was getting pretty worn down.

And so here I am. Spending some time alone, staring out a window.  And hopefully getting a blissful nights sleep.

Upcoming Adventures

Oh boy.  Big things are on the horizon.  Things that I think might help me to feel like a whole person living a better balanced life.

Thing #1: A night away

Tomorrow (eeeek tomorrow!!) I’m leaving the house at 2:30 pm and will not return until noon the next day.  I’m sick right now so I’m hoping that doesn’t put a damper on my escapade, but honestly, I just want to sleep.  Sick or not.  My husband will take care of our 3 year old and 1 year old.  And they will all be fine.

Thing #2: A weekend away with my son

This one is a really big deal because I have never been away from my daughter for more than two hours.  So tomorrow will be a good test for us, and then the weekend following I’m going to go with my son to visit some family.

I’m excited to spend some one on one time with my son.  Since my daughter was born he has had to compete for my attention as she is incredibly attached to me.  It’ll be soo good to just hang out with him.

It’ll also be good (and very much needed) bonding time for my daughter and husband.

SO…we will be gone from Friday till Sunday.  And I am still nursing her 3 times in the day and usually once a night (sometimes twice).  So I will for sure need to pump so I don’t get engorged/mastisis  and I’m pretty sure this will mean the end of our breastfeeding journey.

More on that another day.

I’m pretty excited for this trip.  We’re going to take the train (4 hours), go to the aquarium, hang out with my brother and his girlfriend, and (hopefully!) get some more full nights sleep..

Sleep is my current obsession.

My son is three right now and for the most part extremely cool.  We still have some tantrums, but I think with my undivided attention they will be few and far between.  I think he’ll enjoy this adventure too.

I’m excited for both of these things, but also a little anxious.  I know she’ll be fine, but having never been away it’s a little daunting.  And you know, if she cries, she cries.  She’s 14 months and eats a ton so she doesn’t need breastmilk anymore.  It’s going to all be fine.